5 Steps to Forgive Yourself And Move On

That thing you said at dinner a few weeks ago that you wish you could take back...

The decision you made a few years ago that still makes your stomach tighten when you think about it...

The moment ten years ago that you keep replaying, wishing you'd handled it differently...

Maybe it's time to forgive yourself for it.

Why is it time? Because yes, regret, guilt, and shame all have something important to tell us. They can point us toward our values, our humanity, and our desire to repair. But when we stay there too long, they stop helping us learn and start keeping us stuck. Self-forgiveness isn't about pretending nothing happened. It's about allowing ourselves to move forward with honesty, responsibility, and compassion.

Here are 5 steps you can take toward self-forgiveness right now:

1: Acknowledge and take responsibility for what you said or did.

Step into the truth of what happened. Acknowledge the negative emotions (guilt, regret, and perhaps shame) that this event elicits in you. When you blame outside people or events for something you said or did, it becomes difficult to move forward to a space of healing. When you take responsibility, the course of how things unfold suddenly rests in your hands. If you feel you wronged, you can now make it right. And although it is initially far more difficult to admit a fault or mistake in ourselves (hence why so many people resort to denial and/or blame), it is far more burdensome to carry denial, blame, hatred, and judgment in the long run. So find your inner strength, gather your sense of self, and take responsibility. This may mean you verbally express accountability to someone else but more likely it is a conversation you have with yourself. And once you've acknowledged what happened and taken responsibility where needed, see if you can resist staying there longer than necessary.

2: Invite self-love in.

Once we've acknowledged what happened, many of us assume the next step is self-criticism. But self-punishment isn't the same thing as accountability. Self-forgiveness begins by remembering something we often forget in moments like these: you were a human being doing the best you could with the awareness, resources, and capacity you had at the time.

That doesn't mean every choice you made was the right one. It simply means you don't have to keep punishing yourself forever. Instead, see if you can respond to yourself the way you might respond to someone you deeply care about. Acknowledge what happened. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, disappointment, or regret that comes with it. And remind yourself that making a mistake doesn't erase your worth.

One practice I still love is writing yourself a letter. Imagine writing to yourself from the perspective of someone who understands the full picture — someone who recognizes both your humanity and your goodness. Acknowledge what happened, offer yourself compassion, and let yourself hear the words you may have needed all along: "I forgive you."

Self-punishment isn't the same thing as accountability.

3: Understand why you did it.

Most of our actions — even the ones we later regret — were attempts to meet some need. Oftentimes, when we act in disharmony with our morals, values, and beliefs, it is because there is some underlying need that wants to be fulfilled. Take a moment to think about what the driving force behind your words and/or actions that you now regret might have been? What need were you trying to meet in that moment?

Often, underneath the behavior we regret is something much more understandable. Maybe you wanted safety. Maybe belonging. Maybe respect. Maybe to feel seen. Maybe to protect yourself. Maybe simply to stop hurting.

Whatever it is, know that it’s okay. We all have deep needs that we wish to be fulfilled in this life, and by identifying and getting to know them, we give them the opportunity to be fulfilled in adaptive and healthy ways rather than sneaking up on us through a word or action we might later regret.

Most of the behaviors we regret were attempts to meet a need.

4: Choose a response that's more aligned with who you want to be.

Once you've identified the need you were trying to meet, ask yourself another question:

Is there another way I could move toward that need — one that's more aligned with the kind of person I want to be?

Maybe what you were really longing for was love. Or belonging. Or respect. Or safety. Or acceptance.

Those needs and longings aren't the problem. The question becomes whether the strategy you chose to help you meet it actually moved you closer to those experiences.

Self-forgiveness isn't only about understanding why something happened. It's also about gently choosing a different path the next time you're in a similar situation.

5: Let this experience shape you, not define you.

Every mistake offers us a choice. We can use it as evidence that we're fundamentally flawed, or we can use it as information that helps us become more intentional going forward.

Self-forgiveness isn't forgetting what happened or letting yourself off the hook. It's choosing to let the experience deepen your integrity rather than your shame. It's about recognizing that accountability and compassion can exist together.

The goal isn't to become someone who never makes mistakes. It's to become someone who knows how to take responsibility, repair what they can, learn what they can, and continue moving forward without carrying unnecessary shame. That's one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. Forgiveness doesn't change what happened. It just changes what happens next.

Self-forgiveness isn't something we force. More often, it becomes possible as we begin to understand ourselves more deeply. That's the journey at the heart of my self-paced course, Happy from the Inside Out®. Together, we explore how to understand the parts of ourselves beneath shame, regret, and self-criticism so that compassion becomes something we naturally grow into — not something we have to pretend to feel. If that journey calls to you, I'd love to have you join us.