Want to Be Happy? Stop Doing These 5 Things
We often think happiness comes from adding something: another habit, another accomplishment, another goal, another milestone… But sometimes happiness isn't about adding more at all. Sometimes it's about gently letting go of the patterns that quietly pull us away from ourselves.
Here are five that have made — and continue to make — the biggest difference in my life.
1. Criticizing and judging yourself for your imperfections, struggles, or places where you're still growing.
As human beings, we tend to have a very skewed perception of who we are and are not. We tend to generalize and catastrophize the events in our lives, assuming that one negative event is the precursor to many more and that one mistake is indicative of an unchangeable flaw within us. But the picture we have of ourselves is often far less accurate than we think.
The truth often is that what we perceive as a flaw or limitation within ourselves isn’t actually so. We beat ourselves up for not being precisely who we yearn to be or not yet achieving all that we want to achieve, yet if the people in our lives are asked to describe us, their narrative paints a very different picture– oftentimes one of someone who is overflowing with positive qualities and accomplishments and on their way to many more.
In a similar vein, what we in present time consider a mistake or bad decision we often look back on as useful and necessary to our growth in retrospect. Become aware of this disparity in thinking that exists within you and learn to navigate around it. As soon as you hear your inner critic judge you for something you are or are not, or for something you said or did or didn’t say or do, notice it, understand it, and gradually replace it with self-compassion. Recognizing that mistakes are natural and valuable and that flaws and limitations are changeable (especially in the presence of awareness and acceptance), honor who you are and let the doorway to self-love and genuine happiness be opened.
You don't become happier by becoming perfect. You become happier by relating to your imperfections differently.
2. Being closed off to new relationships because you’ve been hurt in the past.
Most of us have been hurt in relationships at some point in our lives — often more than once. If you have been hurt in the past, it is understandable that you may be wary of entering into new relationships for fear of experiencing possible pain and disappointment again. And yet, despite how understandable that impulse is, life keeps inviting us to open our hearts and to be willing to hope again.
Connecting with other people is one of the greatest sources of joy available to us. It's also one of the places we're most likely to experience pain. And if you've been hurt before, it makes perfect sense that part of you wants to protect yourself. But protecting yourself from every possibility of hurt often means protecting yourself from connection, too. Healthy relationships always involve vulnerability. They ask us to risk disappointment in order to experience closeness, love, and belonging. And while there are never guarantees, there is something beautiful about allowing ourselves to hope again.
3. Hiding from the truth.
The struggles that keep showing up in your day-to-day life are often pointing toward something important. When you run from your problems, you run and hide from the truth. When you run and hide from the truth, you run and hide from yourself. Life is about growth. It is about evolution. To not get left behind, you’ve got to be willing to open your eyes, ears, and heart to the truth of who you are and who you are becoming. Whether it’s a way you’ve been behaving, something you’ve been saying, or a belief you’ve been endorsing that is out of integrity and no longer supporting the person you are becoming, it’s time to look at it, face it, accept it, and address the changes that need to be made within you as a function of it.
If you don’t address the source of your problems, they will simply return in another form, with another person, in a different yet largely and eerily familiar way. The more you acknowledge and accept, rather than ignore or reject, what’s real and true, the more you will step into who you are becoming - a stronger, wiser, and more genuine, kind, and loving version of yourself.
4. Trying so hard to figure it all out.
We often assume we have to figure out every step before we can move forward. But I've found that clarity often follows presence, not the other way around. I know, it sounds contradictory and you may be used to thinking that you need to plan, execute, and figure it all out. And yet, sometimes the next step isn't figuring everything out. It's practicing trust. Trust that there is a higher order to the Universe and that God, Source, Spirit, whom or whatever you believe in is always operating in your best interest and for your highest and greatest good. Trust that when you are in a happy state of mind, you will think the thoughts, say the words, and take the inspired action necessary to draw to you all the right people, events, and circumstances that turn your wildest dreams into your everyday realities.
Remember that “waiting for circumstances to change so you can feel good is like looking in a mirror waiting for your reflection to smile first” (Bashar). So rather than focusing every day on accomplishing your to-do list, prioritize creating the conditions that help you feel grounded, connected, and alive. Because when your inner world feels more settled, the next step of your life has a way of becoming a little clearer.
Sometimes the next step isn't figuring everything out. It's practicing trust.
5. What everyone else is doing.
You and I and every other human being alive at this time is born of the same universal fabric of life. Yet each of us is beautifully different, and purposefully so. When you do what everyone else is doing, you deny the very reason why you came into this life and the unique purpose you were born to fulfill. Now, I’m not saying that it’s easy. In today’s world, it's easy to absorb subtle messages about who we're supposed to be (with a successful career, the perfect relationship, the perfect body…).
It is therefore up to each of us alone to get up in the morning and assert “Today I will be the real me” no matter how anyone feels or what anyone has to say about it, and to repeat this process every single day of our lives. When we stop comparing and trying to change ourselves, and let ourselves be who we are, we not only feel the relief of no longer trying so hard to fit in and please others, but we also reap the reward of expressing and contributing our unique gifts, viewpoints, and talents to a world that needs them now more than ever. It does get easier each time, I promise.
Happiness isn't something we achieve once and for all. It's something we return to, again and again, as we let go of the habits, beliefs, and patterns that pull us away from ourselves. And so, sometimes growth isn't about becoming someone new. It's about removing the things that have been getting in the way of who you've been all along.
In fact, many of the patterns that quietly pull us away from happiness — self-criticism, fear, disconnection from ourselves, trying to control everything, comparing ourselves to others — aren't character flaws. They're habits of mind that can gradually change. Learning to relate to yourself with greater awareness and compassion is a big part of that. And it’s also at the heart of my course, Happy from the Inside Out®. And if this article resonated with you, you might also enjoy 5 Steps to Forgive Yourself and Move On, where we explore one of the biggest obstacles to happiness: carrying shame long after the moment has passed.
