Self-Compassion Or Self-Criticism: Which One Really Motivates You More?

This article was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated to reflect my current understanding, work, and offerings while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.

Criticism and compassion, failure and success– We’ve got it all backwards with our goal-setting and motivation. We think that we can badger, shame, and criticize ourselves into doing better, being better, and achieving more.

But for many of us, the opposite turns out to be true.

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL WAY: SELF-CRITICISM

Contrary to popular belief, bashing and being hard on yourself for not being where you want to be in your pursuit of your goals doesn’t motivate you to change for the better.

I repeat– bashing and being hard on yourself does not motivate you to change for the better.

Research suggests that chronic self-criticism is often associated with increased stress, lower self-confidence, and a greater risk of anxiety and depressed mood. Plus, if self-criticism was effective, wouldn’t we all be maximally successful, intelligent, kind, witty, sexy, and anything else we’d hope to be by now?

If you are one of the many people starting to notice that your New Year's resolutions aren't unfolding according to plan and that your best intentions have remained just that—intentions not fully acted upon—I invite you to pay attention to what happens next. Do self-judgment, self-blame, or harsh self-criticism begin to take over?

Rather than automatically following those familiar patterns, what if you responded differently? What if there were another way—one that felt better and helped you move toward the results you actually want? Behavioral psychology, after all, suggests that changing a habit is often easier when we replace it with a new one. So instead of repeatedly turning toward self-criticism, what might it look like to try something different?

So if changing for the better is your goal and you find yourself opening up to the idea that badgering and judging yourself probably won’t get the job done nearly as well as you’d hoped, what do you replace your long-time companions, self-criticism and self-blame, with? If self-criticism doesn’t help you to do more and do it better and if shaming and blaming yourself into being kinder, smarter, and more successful doesn’t cut it, then what does?

THE FUNCTIONAL WAY: SELF-COMPASSION

Some call it self-love, others call it self-kindness, and in this article we’ll call it self-compassion. No matter what you call it, it’s that ability we all have inside of us to feel and understand our emotional experience without criticism… to offer understanding to our pain, inadequacies, and failures sans judgment.

The first step toward self-compassion is learning to recognize how both self-criticism and self-compassion show up in your life. When you become more familiar with these different ways of responding to yourself, you can begin to notice self-criticism when it arises and practice responding differently.

The next few minutes of reading are devoted to just that. So sit back, relax, and join me for some good ol' inner exploration as we get familiar with what self-criticism and self-compassion may look, sound, and feel like for you.

SELF-CRITICISM LOOKS LIKE–

Self-criticism looks like conditional self-worth. It looks like self-confidence that is contingent on external things like achievement and appearance. It looks like dwelling on your faults… Like an endless pursuit of improvement… Like feeling as though you are a project that always needs fixing. It looks like there is an ideal version of you that has yet to be achieved… Like keeping track of your failures and mistakes… Like being at war with yourself, and treating yourself as if you are the enemy. It looks like noticing that your flower isn’t blooming as you’d hoped and choosing to punish it for not meeting your expectations by tearing out its leaves and roots, thereby not giving it a chance to bloom at all. If feeling like you are a project that always needs fixing resonates with you, I've written more about that experience in How to Stop Feeling and Believing That You're Not Good Enough.

Look inside yourself. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

SELF-COMPASSION LOOKS LIKE–

Self-compassion looks like patience for your journey. It looks like respect for yourself and where you are in life. It looks like extending compassion to yourself in any moment of trouble, especially in those moments where you perceive failure or inadequacy. It looks like having compassion for your imperfections, even those that may be hard to look at. Like nourishing yourself with kindness… Like making friends with yourself. It looks like forgiving yourself for past behaviors rather than bashing yourself for not knowing better. It looks like forgiving yourself for all the judgments you internalized about yourself over the years and forgiving yourself no matter how many times you fail to meet your own expectations. It looks like recognizing that being human means being imperfect, unfinished, and worthy of care anyway.

Self-compassion looks like courage... A kind of courage that sees the very tempting voice of self-criticism peeping in, bringing with it the false promise of motivating you to reach your dreams, and that acknowledges yet doesn’t succumb to it. Self-compassion supports a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on achievement or external validation. “A person truly comfortable in his skin doesn’t say, “I am a worthy human being because I can do such and such,’ but says, ‘I am a worthy human being whether or not I can do such and such’ (Gabor Maté). It looks like noticing that your flower isn’t blooming as you’d hoped and becoming curious as to why, investigating the environment for what might be going wrong, looking for ways to modify the environment and plan for creating the conditions that will best support it to bloom in its own time.

SELF-CRITICISM SOUNDS LIKE–

When it realizes you made a mistake or thinks you failed in some way, self-criticism uses the situation to define your worth. It says “you really effed up”, “you’re no good”, “how could you do this?”, and “I always knew you were a failure”. Self-criticism waits for evidence of your worth; it says “I will be worthy when I accomplish this”, “I’m no good unless I achieve that”, and “I will be loveable only when I am loved by this or that person”. Self-criticism also says, and often loudly, “You’ve got to change, please change, you can’t keep being as you are. Change, change, change now. Change as soon as you can”.

SELF-COMPASSION SOUNDS LIKE–

Where self-criticism says “You suck” and “you’re a failure” when you make a mistake, self-compassion acknowledges that it doesn’t have to believe the thoughts of the inner critic that resides inside of your head. Instead, self-compassion says, “I know that I am worthy of my own support and kindness. It makes sense that I feel scared as I forge toward this goal– I know that I’m not the only one who feels like this at times.” Self-compassion acknowledges too that all your inner critic or mind bully is really trying to do is to protect you. It gets curious and spends time– with gentleness and undivided attention– getting to know your source of self-criticism. It wants to know what your inner mind bully is trying to protect you from when it engages its voice of criticism. It acknowledges that there may be feelings of shame and of “not good enough” lurking around that a bit of self-criticism might help to temporarily deflect, or perhaps a deep feeling of sadness or loss that self-criticism can prevent you from having to feel right now. It reminds self-criticism that there may be a kinder, gentler, and ultimately more effective way to support you.

Where self-criticism says “You are full of imperfection and should be ashamed”, self-compassion says “We are all imperfect, and so am I”. It guides you to ask “What can I do in this moment to care for myself, and perhaps to motivate myself– from a place of self-love and -care– to take one step forward? Self-compassion professes “No matter where I am on my journey, I am worthy right now. I am loveable right now. I don’t need to wait to love and appreciate myself until I am “smarter”, “better”, or “stronger”.” Self-compassion whispers, "You don't have to earn love through achievement or perfection. You are worthy of care exactly as you are” — and from that place of safety, growth becomes possible. I've written more about this idea in Making Peace With Your Inner Critic Through the 8 Cs of IFS Therapy.

SELF-CRITICISM FEELS LIKE–

Self-criticism feels like self-loathing... Like being hurt by someone you love. It feels like a stab in the chest… Like regret… Like hopelessness… Like there is nowhere to go and no possible way forward. It feels like a sense of not belonging and purposelessness– like your reason for being alive has been sucked out of you, remnants nowhere to be found. It feels like repeatedly stepping on an ant, crushing it again and again and again, making sure that its zest and vigor for life have been fully lost. And realizing that you are that ant.

Being hurt by someone hurts. In the instance of self-criticism, it is you hurting yourself, time after time after time whilst hoping for things to get better.

SELF-COMPASSION FEELS LIKE–

Self-compassion feels like patience; it feels like appreciation; it feels like self-respect. It feels like being looked at by someone who loves and wants only the best for you. It feels like unconditional love… a love that boldly states “perfection isn’t necessary in order to love, value, and respect you”. It feels like unconditional support. No matter if you are experiencing success and achievement or loss, hurt, and conflict, self-compassion is that feeling of warmth and belonging that perpetually lives inside your heart. Because its care and support aren't contingent on you changing, it feels like serenity. You can relax and be as you are.

IF BEING HARD ON YOURSELF DOESN’T WORK, WHY NOT TRY BEING GOOD TO YOURSELF?

As you reflect on the sounds, feelings, and experiences of both self-criticism and self-compassion, notice what happens in your body. Which voice helps you feel safer, more supported, and more capable of taking the next step?

For many people, sustainable growth begins not with judgment, but with kindness.

When you feel shut down and out, unworthy, and unlovable (the effects of constantly listening to and believing the voice of your inner critic), it becomes evermore difficult to move forward. After all, how can you move forward when you are busy hating yourself and making yourself out to be the enemy? But when you feel appreciated, welcomed, and loved as you are (the effects of listening to and believing the compassionate voice of your inner self), it becomes substantially much easier to take and achieve the next step in your beautiful life journey.

So pause right here, and ask yourself ‘Which do I want to nurture?’ The voice of self-criticism that leaves me feeling discouraged and defeated, or the compassionate voice within me that helps me feel supported, capable, and worthy of care?

Learning to respond to ourselves with compassion, create lasting change without relying on shame or self-judgment, and build a more supportive relationship with ourselves is something I explore more deeply inside my course Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to better understand yourself and create change from a place of self-compassion rather than self-criticism, I’d love to see you there.