Transforming Pain into Joy: The Magic of Accepting Our Emotions

Life has a way of circling back to teach us the lessons we need most. Just a few months ago, I was reminded of a really powerful of truth I sometimes forget—a truth about what truly leads to a life of joy and ease. (Spoiler alert: it’s not the high-paying job, the house, the perfectly behaving kids, or the husband or wife; it’s not about the external stuff at all). It’s about something far simpler, yet infinitely profound.

A Morning of Renewed Clarity

It was a Spring morning. After a challenging start to the day, I settled onto my yoga mat, already feeling the weight of the world pressing down. As I closed my eyes and took a few mindful breaths, something remarkable happened. My emotions began to surface, and for once, I allowed them to be there without trying to push them away. No resistance, no judgment—just presence.

What followed immediately was one of those “Aha” moments! Bells ringing and choirs singing, alerting me to something important... to a deep, familiar truth. Sure, my mood could be better; but, it had felt so much worse because a part of me was judging what I was feeling as bad! And without the voice of judgment labeling my feelings as "bad," I felt an unexpected sense of peace, perhaps even a hint of contentment. The relief washed over me, reminding me that it's not our feelings or emotions that cause suffering, but our judgment or resistance to them. In other words, when we stop fighting our emotions, they lose their grip on us.

The relief washed over me, reminding me that it's not our feelings or emotions that cause suffering, but our judgment or resistance to them.

Embracing All Parts of Ourselves

As a psychologist and Internal family Systems (IFS) practitioner, I’d love to say that I’ve got this down—that I’ve mastered the art of embracing every part of myself without judgment. But the truth is, like everyone else, I need these gentle reminders. In IFS, we speak about "parts"—the different aspects of our inner selves, each with its own feelings, thoughts, and motivations. And as the founder of IFS, Dick Schwartz, beautifully says, there are No Bad Parts. Even the most uncomfortable emotions and thoughts are here to help us in their own way.

Take, for example, the part of you that starts to feel a little insecure when a new connection, potentially romantic, is forming. This part might be trying to protect you from potential rejection or hurt by reminding you of past experiences where you felt vulnerable and ended up getting hurt. Or consider the part of you that feels deep, lingering sadness when you think about a painful memory. This sadness may be holding space for unresolved, unprocessed grief, reminding you of the importance of honoring what you experienced and urging you to tend to that grief. By welcoming and embracing this part with curiosity and compassion, we open ourselves up to healing.

I’ve known this intellectually for a long time. And I often feel it deeply that all parts of you and all parts of me are, in fact, things worthy of being accepted and loved. They aren’t wrong or bad in any way. And  yet, I find myself repeatedly needing these moments of renewed clarity repeatedly.... these moments that so vividly remind me that if I just stop shaming or judging my emotions, I feel so much better. Embracing all parts of ourselves—our feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations—without judgment truly makes all the difference in how sweet life can be.

If I just stop shaming or judging my emotions, I tend to feel so much better!

Befriending the Inner Critic

When I think about the “how” of living a good life, it really comes down to cultivating a friendship with all the parts within us—especially the ones that judge what we're thinking, feeling, or doing as bad. That’s why I wrote an article some time ago on how to relate to your inner critic in a truly helpful way. Our inner critic, that part of us so quick to label certain feelings as "bad" or "unacceptable," often keeps us stuck in cycles of shame and self-judgment. But when we start to understand and embrace even this critical part, we unlock a deeper sense of self-compassion and acceptance. It’s not about silencing that voice, but learning to understand its concerns and, eventually, to soothe it with kindness.

When I think about the “how” of living a good life, it really comes down to cultivating a friendship with all the parts within us—especially the ones that judge whatever we’re thinking, feeling, or doing as bad.

The Heart of Healing and Transformation

When people ask me what truly leads to healing and transformation, my answer is this: the practice of welcoming all parts of ourselves without judgment. Rather than labeling certain emotions or thoughts as "negative" or "unworthy", or getting caught in justifying, believing, and being at the mercy of them, we can simply approach them with curiosity and kindness.

It’s a radical shift in perspective - I mean, who of us hasn’t been taught that some emotions and qualities are "good" and others are "bad"?l But, that’s the old way. The new way asks us to embrace radical self-acceptance. Radical self-love. To embrace each part of ourselves as it is, without needing to change or fix it. When we do this radical thing, we discover a profound wisdom within every emotion and every way that we are, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And this, my friend, is where true freedom and joy begin.

My Favorite Tool for Embracing Your Emotions and Yourself

If you’re wondering how to start this practice, here’s a gentle tool I’ve found helpful that I personally use to invite myself into a place of acceptance when I notice challenging (i.e., uncomfortable or bothersome) thoughts and emotions. And it’s based on the premise that acceptance rests on true understanding. And to truly understand someone or something, we’ve got to get genuinely curious about it (I talk about that more here.)

When challenging thoughts or emotions arise, pause and ask yourself three questions: 

1. If these feelings, thoughts, or urges were a part of me, what part of me would this be? (for example, “an anxious part”, “a judgmental part”, “a rebellious part”)
2. What might this part be feeling or needing right now?
3. And, how can I offer compassion or appreciation to this part of myself?

These questions create a space for kindness and curiosity, and are like a gentle nudge to embrace your emotions without judgment. They’re a way to hold ourselves gently, to listen to the deeper messages within, and to embrace whatever arises with love.

Remember, feeling bad about feeling bad only makes you feel worse. But, by accepting our emotions with compassion and understanding and recognizing them as an integral part of our journey, we find ourselves naturally moving toward a life that feels easier and happier.

Ready for a Deeper Dive?

If this resonates with you, and if you’re curious to explore the transformative power of self-acceptance further, I invite you to join me in a free webinar. Together, we’ll dive into practical tools for embracing all parts of ourselves without judgment. Click here to reserve your spot and let's embark on this journey of healing and self-growth together.

And if you’re ready to go even deeper, consider one-on-one therapeutic coaching or joining one of my Heart Share Circles—a space where vulnerability, connection, and self-compassion take center stage. Reach out if you'd like to schedule a session, and know that I'm here to support you every step of the way.