If You’re Addicted to Self-Criticism, Do This

Most of us have some version of an inner critic — the part of us that pushes, pressures, criticizes, compares, doubts, judges, or constantly worries we’re not good enough. And despite it being somewhat off-putting and mean, many of us unconsciously rely on our inner critic to try to keep us motivated, successful, accepted, safe, or protected from failure and rejection.

And yes, we want to achieve things in life and be successful and protected from failure and rejection, but do we really want to be bullied from the inside in order to achieve those things? I mean, nobody likes a bully let alone an inner bully. And with your inner critic running amok inside your head, you’re very rarely satisfied or happy with life. You don’t feel good enough, worthy enough, or smart enough, and it makes it really hard to do things that contribute to your happiness like take care of yourself, believe in and encourage yourself, and love yourself.

So when you realize this, what do you do?

Well, most people— desperate to stop giving in to their inner critic— begin to wage a war with it because they read articles about or hear things like “stand up to your inner critic”, “silence your inner critic”, “conquer your inner critic”, or “talk back to your inner critic.” And so, they do. And this is how it goes:

Inner critic: Sally, you didn’t do enough today. You’re falling behind again.

You: Stop it. I worked all day. I’m exhausted. Why are you always attacking me? Leave me alone.

Inner critic: Because if I don’t push you, you’ll become lazy, fail, embarrass yourself, and everyone will see you’re not good enough.

You: Leave me alone. Stop saying these things! I am not lazy!! I am not lazyy!! I am noooot lazzyyyyy!

Inner critic: Sally, just look at your schedule. Everyone else wakes up at 6am and you? You wake up at 7:30 or 8. C’mon, how is that schedule supposed to set you up for success? Successful people have the morning routines of someone destined for success, and you…

You: (Pouting) Maybe you’re right… 

Inner critic: Of course I’m right, Sally. You’ve got to listen to me, loud and clear. You will never amount to anything if you keep going how you’re going now. You know you’re not good enough as you are for your job and you have to try harder… much harder… to at least be half as good as the other people in your department. And have you been doing that? Nooooo.

You: (Ashamed and upset) Everyone is better than me… they do it so much better and don’t need to try half as hard as I do. I’m nothing.

And suddenly, instead of feeling motivated, you feel ashamed, defeated, anxious, and small. Because trying to argue with the inner critic usually just creates even more inner conflict, shame, exhaustion, and self-criticism.

What should you do instead?

Remember in the beginning of the article how I said that your inner critic exists to help you achieve things in life and do things you may not otherwise want to but need to do? Well, it does these things because it truly cares about you and wants to protect you. In fact, your inner critic developed early on in your life to help prevent you from feeling the kind of pain that you’ve felt before— for example, the pain of being rejected, ridiculed, ashamed, abandoned, or hurt in some way. “If I keep [insert your name here] striving for perfection in her every word, action and her appearance and career success, then she’ll never have to feel those things again”, your inner critic says to itself. And so, it adopts the voice of self-criticism so that you don’t have to worry about what someone else will think about you or that they might make fun of you or be critical of you in some way. For many people, the inner critic becomes one of the primary ways the nervous system tries to prevent pain, rejection, shame, failure, or vulnerability.

Your inner critic is one of the primary ways your nervous system tries to prevent pain, rejection, shame, failure, or vulnerability.

Knowing that your inner critic is actually for (and not against) you, what it helps to do is instead of trying to defeat it, get to know and understand it. When you touch into your deeper, more grounded self, you can approach your inner critic with kindness and curiosity instead of combat and threat. And this is how it goes:

Inner critic: Sally, you didn’t do enough today. You’re falling behind again.

You: I hear that you’re really worried about me failing or falling behind. Is that what’s happening?

Inner critic: Yes. I don’t ever want you to feel humiliated, rejected, criticized, or not good enough again.

You: That makes so much sense. I can see that you’ve been trying to protect me for a very long time. Can I ask what kind of unpleasant experiences are you trying to protect me from?

Inner critic: Well, Sally, if you fail at your job, everyone will think you’re a big failure, again. And if you don’t hustle to study for your certification exams during your off hours, you risk everyone laughing at you. They’ll think they’re better than you because they passed and you failed. And, well, if you don’t lose weight, you know what will happen. Society will keep seeing you as “just another fat girl…”

You: (Pouting) That makes a lot of sense. I can see how hard you’ve been working to protect me from feeling those things again. Can I ask… when did you first start feeling like you needed to protect me this way?

Inner critic: You’re welcome, Sally. I’ve been protecting you since you were 7. Ever since that lady called you overweight in front of your friends… ever since your dad gave you that really disappointed look when you brought home an 85% on your test… Ever since your parents scolded you and never let you play until you read 30 pages from a book every night… You were so small and so sad then. I never want you to feel that way again.

You: Wow, it makes so much sense to me why you say and do the things you say and do, and I really appreciate how hard you’ve worked to protect me all these years.

And at the same time, I’m not seven anymore.

I’ve grown. I’ve learned things. I’m becoming more capable of handling disappointment, criticism, rejection, and difficult emotions in ways I couldn’t when I was younger.

So maybe we don’t have to work against each other quite so much anymore. Maybe we can learn how to work together differently.

Curiosity Instead of Combat

Over time, many people find that the more they understand their inner critic with curiosity instead of shame or combat, the less harshly it needs to speak.

Not because it disappears completely, but because trust slowly begins developing internally.

Much of the work I explore inside Happy from the Inside Out® centers around understanding these protective inner patterns with more compassion and awareness — and learning how to create a more supportive relationship with yourself from the inside out.

And if self-criticism is something that feels especially painful or exhausting in your life, this is also something I support people with one-on-one.

Note: This article was originally written several years ago and has been lightly updated to reflect my current work and offerings.