Why We Choose the Relationships We Do

Smart? Kind? Funny? Respectful? Strong? Passionate? Brave? A good listener? What’s on your list of qualities you desire in a relationship?

Now, when you look back on the characteristics of the partner or partners you’ve actually chosen for relationships past, do they sound like the ones you say you want?

If the two lists of qualities don’t match up, you are not alone. We’d like to think that we choose relationships entirely consciously and intentionally, but often there are deeper emotional, relational, and unconscious dynamics influencing who we feel drawn to too.

So, are you really choosing your relationships? Or are they choosing you?

Let’s rewind a bit and consider where all of this begins.

1. You have a drive for attachment.

Like all mammals, we as humans have an intrinsic drive and non-negotiable need for attachment; we yearn to connect and attach with other humans so as to feel love and connection and ensure that we are taken care of. But what if this need wasn’t met when you were growing up?

2. Your drive for attachment isn’t met.

An example of this that I love comes from Gabor Maté, and it goes something like this: What if your parents couldn’t handle your emotions and told you that “good kids” don’t cry or don’t get angry every time you expressed those emotions, and talked to you in a harsh way when you did? You might assume that as a result, you started to believe that good kids don’t get angry. But what actually happened is that you began to believe that sad kids or angry kids don’t get loved because in those moments, mom or dad wasn’t showing you love.

3. You learn to stifle certain parts of who you are as a result.

Because mom, dad, or your primary caregiver scolds you and removes their love as a result of you expressing your authenticity (e.g., by showing your emotions), over time you might begin suppressing, hiding, disconnecting from, or feeling unsafe expressing certain emotions, needs, reactions, or parts of yourself.

4. You lose connection to yourself.

Over time, this hiding of certain parts of who you are can create varying degrees of disconnection from yourself — from your emotions, needs, body, instincts, boundaries, authenticity, or inner sense of safety and trust.

5. You try to solve the problem of being disconnected to yourself.

The feeling of being disconnected from yourself in childhood stays with you and affects you from that day forward, into your adulthood. We all have different ways of trying to relieve the discomfort of this feeling. Some drink, use drugs, play cards and others shop, eat, and/or work or exercise excessively. And, because relationships can feel emotionally regulating, validating, familiar, exciting, comforting, healing, or stabilizing, many of us unconsciously look toward relationships to help soothe emotional pain, loneliness, unmet needs, insecurity, or disconnection we carry within us too.

Here we are– disconnected from ourselves and looking for a partner to share our life with. What do you think it is that we unconsciously look for?

Sometimes, the people we feel most intensely drawn to can remind us — consciously or unconsciously — of familiar relational dynamics from earlier in life. Familiarity can feel compelling to the nervous system, even when those dynamics were painful, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, chaotic, critical, or unsafe in certain ways, and so we may end up drawn to people who resemble the people (e.g., mom or dad) who hurt us and led us to feel disconnected from ourselves in the first place. If we grew up around relationships that felt inconsistent, emotionally unsafe, critical, unavailable, or painful in certain ways, genuinely healthy love can sometimes feel unfamiliar, confusing, less emotionally activating, or even difficult to trust at first. In fact, if you look back, you might see that you’ve been drawn to people who– in one way or another– resembled one or both of your parents or primary caregivers in some way. Your (albeit unconscious and automatic) driving force in those relationships was to get your previously unmet needs met by someone else who would hopefully meet them this time.

Yes, your desired partner may have some very desirable qualities, yet in many ways (if we don’t do any inner work or healing around it, that is), the primary driving force behind your connection to another person will likely be an attachment between a hurt part of you and a hurt part of them.

This doesn’t mean every relationship is simply trauma reenactment or dysfunction repeating itself. Human relationships are far more layered and complex than that. Genuine love, attraction, compatibility, friendship, care, chemistry, values, timing, emotional availability, and many other factors all play a role too. But for many people, unresolved emotional wounds and attachment patterns can absolutely influence who feels familiar, compelling, emotionally activating, or “right” to us in relationships. Many of us didn’t have our essential needs of consistent love and care met and because it’s something that’s non-negotiable, we go looking for it our entire lives.

Is a more functional connection possible?

Is a more functional connection possible? Absolutely! The opportunity for each of us lies in what we do once we acknowledge that these are the processes running below the surface of our lives. Often, healing and healthier relationships become more possible as we reconnect more deeply with ourselves — our emotions, needs, boundaries, values, instincts, and inner world — and learn how to bring more awareness and authenticity into the ways we relate to others. We can learn to be drawn to a partner that is in fact not similar to, but quite opposite from, our parent or other caregiver that left us with unmet needs- and this can be incredibly healing. We hurt in relationships and we heal in relationships too.

We hurt in relationships and we heal in relationships too.

Inside my course Happy from the Inside Out®, much of what I guide you through is understanding the inner patterns and conditioning that shape how we relate to ourselves and others so that we can move through relationships with more awareness, self-compassion, clarity, and intention.

And inside my Heart Share Circles, we create space for thoughtful, honest, human conversations about relationships, emotional intimacy, healing, connection, dating, vulnerability, and the complexity of loving and being loved. I’d love to have you there.