Surrendered Gratitude: Trusting Life, Even When It’s Hard

For most of my life, I’ve lived in a way that most of us in Western society are brought up to live, even though it often leaves us feeling absolutely exhausted and unfulfilled… Striving, efforting, and constantly reaching for something that’s just out of reach. It was never “I’m okay and content where I am,” but rather “I need to feel better. I need to do better. I gotta get out of this place in my life and into the next one.” And, “I gotta get there asap.”

You probably know what I’m talking about… those times when you’re just not feeling your best and aren’t your most productive, but there’s that inner voice saying, “Time to snap out of it. Cheer up. You need to make things happen.” Or when you’re in between partners or jobs and that voice chimes in and says, “Go!” “you gotta get it right,” “find the person,” “find the job” “and do it NOW.”

This is the water so many of us have been swimming in for as long as we’ve been alive. Especially if you’re ambitious, growth-oriented, or self-aware, you’ve likely met this inner pressure more times than you can count.

While striving and reaching have their place (it’s great to go after what we want!), they can also be a subtle form of resistance… a way that we say “Nah, life, you’ve got it all wrong. “I, [insert your name here], know better. I know the best way.” And so, we go on resisting the present moments and circumstances of our lives, wishing away the dips, discomforts, uncertainties, and in-betweens. And in so doing, we resist the possibility that maybe, just maybe… things are unfolding exactly as they’re meant to.

What If You Didn’t Have to Try So Hard?

I know it can be hard to believe that things might be unfolding as they’re meant to and happening for us, even the challenges, tears, and discomfort. But hear me out… We’re used to trying SO hard to make life work. We’re taught that it’s up to our effort and will to build the kind of life we want. And we’re told that if we don’t try hard, then nothing good will happen. And so we try and try and push and push… only to face the reality that still, we don’t always get our way.

Maybe your husband/wife/partner one day unexpectedly shares that they’re unhappy in the marriage. Maybe you suddenly lose your job. Maybe you find out your child is getting bullied in school or struggling somehow else. Maybe you fall, sustain an injury, and can’t do what you used to for 4-6 months. Leading up to and in those moments, efforting doesn’t fix anything.

This is where the practice of surrender comes in. And though the word can bring up a perception of weakness or a lackadaisical approach to life, I don’t mean it in that defeated, “give up” kind of way at all. I mean it in the sacred, trusting life, and laying down arms kind of way… the kind that says: “Maybe I don’t need to fight so hard. Maybe I can trust life a little more.”

Where efforting and striving says “I need to control this” and “if it’s not how I want it to be, I gotta force it to be different,” surrender says, “I’m going to meet life as it is, instead of fighting to make it what I think it should be.” It doesn’t mean giving up agency and free will over your life—it just means loosening the grip and letting go of the illusion that if you control it and do everything perfectly, you’ll never have to feel pain or discomfort again.

Sometimes, surrender looks like pausing in the middle of a habitual job hunt or the endless pursuit of a partner via dating apps and meetups, taking a breath, and saying, “I don’t know what happens next, and maybe I can be okay with that just this once.” Or sitting with a challenging emotion and saying to ourselves, “You know, it’s okay that I’m not happy right now. This sadness gets to be here, too.” It’s the radical decision to stop pushing and to trust that however you are and however things are in this moment is enough.

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To be honest, surrender has been one of the hardest and most humbling practices for me—because for so long, control and hard work felt like a safer and more certain route to inner peace and happiness. Parts of me believed that if I could just get it all lined up (the job, the partner, the ideal work and life scenario), then I’d finally feel happy and calm, and stay that way.

But, life keeps reminding me that it doesn’t really work that way. There is no figuring it all out. There is no knowing exactly what happens next. There is no avoiding the ebbs and flows of emotions and circumstances. There is no guarantee. And the tighter I grip, the more distant that peace and happiness become.

Instead, what life offers is a path that I am (and you are) certainly not in charge of, where circumstances shift without warning, and where timelines and happiness are not guaranteed. And on this path, it becomes clear that control isn’t a permanent solution. Instead, what we can build is the capacity to be with what is and to trust life, even when there is no clarity in sight, and even in the presence of pain. It’s not about spiritually bypassing or avoiding what’s true and pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. It’s about leaning into life, even when we don’t have all the answers.

Surrender says, “I will meet life as it is, instead of fighting to make it what I think it should be.”

If the idea of softening and surrendering into life speaks to you, I offer IFS-informed therapy and coaching where we explore exactly this—how to live with more ease and clarity and inner trust. You can learn more here. Or, if you’re longing for a space to be more honest, held, and connected in community—my Heart Share Circles might be the space for you. You can learn more here. I’d love to welcome you in.

There’s Surrender, and Then There’s Surrendered Gratitude

There’s another layer of this path that I’ve been practicing lately that’s a bit deeper than surrender (i.e., letting go of our resistance to life) alone, and that is surrendered gratitude. Because it’s one thing to stop fighting life. It’s another to receive it with thanks.

We often live in resistance—bracing against reality, trying to escape or improve it. Then, maybe, we grit our teeth and begrudgingly begin to accept what is (that’s the very beginning of surrender). And maybe eventually, we open our arms and hearts wide and lean into what is (that’s full on surrender). But, imagine this… no matter what is going on– bad, good, pretty, ugly– you’re not just tolerating it… you’re receiving it with thanks. Not because everything is easy or feels good, but because something in you knows that there is some kind of meaning to this life and that this—even this—is part of your unfolding. Maybe the discomfort, the loss, the diagnosis, the disappointment—maybe it’s part of what’s shaping you. Maybe it’s a chapter in the story of your learning, growing, and becoming more of who you’re meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, by choosing to trust in this current moment of your life, something in you exhales and finds a sense of ease.

Maybe it’s a chapter in the story of your learning, growing, and becoming more of who you’re meant to be.

 

I’ve been practicing this in a few small ways recently:

• When I feel sad, instead of resisting it, I put my hand on my heart and say, “Thank you for being here”, “Yes, this too.”
  
• When the weather changes or a plan falls through, I try to meet it with curiosity and say, “Okay, maybe this is exactly how it needed to go.”
  
• When I feel like I’m not doing enough, I take a breath and give thanks for the slower pace and the space in my day to not hustle and to just be.
• And, when something happens that I would’ve never wished for myself, I take a breath, feel the frustration, anger, grief, etc., let myself be human, and then—remembering that there is likely more to this than meets my current eye— say “Thank you, life”.
  
  

It’s one thing to accept what is. It’s another to receive it with thanks.

I don’t mean to make this sound intuitive or easy by any means. It hasn’t been for me. In fact, some parts of me still push back hard. “This is the worst thing that could’ve happened”, “Why would I be grateful for this!?” And that resistance makes sense. I know that being okay with the hard stuff and maybe even thankful for it doesn’t come naturally and it makes sense that some parts of us wouldn’t automatically be on board. It’s a practice that takes time. But when I remember that I only know what I can see from my two human eyes and I don’t know the whole picture, the resistance softens a bit. Because often, when I look back, the hardest moments gave me something I never could’ve seen in the moment. And so, I can struggle against what is, or I can practice receiving life, even the hard, imperfect, incomplete parts—with softness instead of resistance. Because hey, maybe I don’t have to understand the whole path to offer thanks for where I am right now.

You don’t have to understand the whole path to offer thanks for where you are right now.

Come With Me…

Let me ask you, from my heart to yours: What if, just for today, you let go of the belief that you have to force or control your way to a happy life? … of the idea that you’ll feel okay only once everything is figured out? … of the story that your life has to look a certain way in order to be worth living and loving?

Here are a few simple reflections to try:

• Where in my life am I trying really hard to control something right now?
  
• What would surrender look like in this moment—not giving up, but letting go of control?
  
• Is there something I’m resisting that I could meet with curiosity or an “okay” or a “yes” instead of tension?
  
• Can I try saying, “Thank you” to this moment—even if I don’t yet understand why?
  
  

I’ve found that in that letting go, something really special arises– a trust that things will be okay and maybe even better than we could’ve ever imagined… and a quiet understanding that even this moment—no matter what it looks like or how hard it feels—might be sacred too. And maybe just maybe sometimes, what changes everything isn’t knowing what comes next. Maybe it’s the decision to meet your life with open hands and an open heart.