So Many Relationships End Because of THIS

Whether the end of a relationship arrives suddenly, catching you off guard, or unfolds gradually over time, the root cause is often the same: disconnection. Relationships, whether romantic or other, end not because of a lack of love but because of a lack of connection.

Through my own experiences in relationships and years of working with couples, I've realized that disconnection, left unaddressed, quietly grows over time. And, it left me asking this question: If most relationships end because of disconnection that grows over time, then what exactly are the habits, behaviors, or fears that create disconnection in our intimate relationships with our partners (regardless of the labels we use to define our relationships… boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, or any other term)?

Relationships end not because of a lack of love but because of a lack of connection.

I call these hidden barriers “connection breakers.” They come in many forms, but here are 7 that I’ve found are most commonly at play.

1. Fear of Vulnerability

If you’re afraid of being vulnerable, guess what? True connection is impossible. I get why we may do it. After all, past rejections or judgments often leave us feeling apprehensive about sharing our true selves and wearing masks and armor. But whether that fear shows up as you’re dating or later on in the relationship, it will undoubtedly create disconnection that can lead to a breakup over time.

One of my clients, Drew, is super eager to please, and while that seems like a good quality on the surface, it often led him to suppress his opinions to avoid conflict with his partner. And guess what? This fear of vulnerability- and his partner’s inability to truly know and respond to what he thought and felt- prevented them from forming a deeper connection and eventually led to a disconnect between them.

If you’re afraid of being vulnerable, know that I see you. Most of us weren’t conditioned to feel safe expressing our true thoughts and feelings. And, there’s no way around it if you want a long-lasting relationship. So build the skill bit by bit. Share your thoughts and feelings openly, foster a safe space for authenticity, and your relationship will last a lifetime.

If you’re afraid of being vulnerable, guess what? True connection is impossible.

2. Unmet Expectations

Unmet expectations ruin relationships. They especially ruin relationships when they’re unspoken. Have you ever tried to meet someone’s expectation without knowing what it was? It’s a recipe for disaster, right? That’s because expectations, when unspoken, can morph into silent disappointments. We often expect our partners to intuit our needs as if they’re psychic, and this only leads to disillusionment when these expectations aren't met.

Another client of mine, Sam, hoped her partner, Jared, would prioritize their time together. When he took on a few extra gigs at work so that he could feel more secure financially, she felt neglected. She really longed for them to spend more time together. Instead of expressing her longing for more quality time, resentment grew between them.

Unspoken expectations are the silent killers of relationships.

If you keep your needs to yourself, you’ll create expectations and experience disappointment when those needs go unmet. If you communicate your needs and desires clearly, you invite your partner into mutual understanding and collaboration. Clear, honest communication is the antidote to disconnection. And that’s exactly what Sam and Jared’s relationship was longing for.

If you keep your needs to yourself, you’ll create expectations and experience disappointment when those needs go unmet.

3. People-Pleasing

The compulsion to please others is another behavior that can become a barrier to connection in relationships. If vulnerability is the pathway to letting our partner know our true desires and feelings, then people-pleasing is its opposite.

When we prioritize pleasing others over honoring our authentic selves, we can lose sight of our own needs and desires. And if we lose sight of our own needs and desires, our partners may not know the real us. While it may feel like we’re being considerate, constantly prioritizing others over our own needs erodes authenticity in relationships.

This was Sara’s story when she came to see me. She constantly sought her husband Brian's approval, often putting his needs and desires before her own. After some time, this imbalance in Sarah between giving and receiving wore her down, and it led to a growing disconnection between her and Brian.

True connection requires us to honor both ourselves and our partners, so instead of people-pleasing, focus on being true to yourself and communicating openly with your partner. If you need help understanding and healing the roots of your desire to please others over honoring your own desires and needs, my one-on-one or one-on-two (couples) therapeutic coaching can help. Learn more here.

4. Unresolved Issues from the Past

The wounds of the past don’t disappear on their own—they linger in the shadows, influencing our relationships in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. If we haven’t taken the time to heal past hurts, they can easily cloud our present interactions.

Whether it's unresolved conflicts with family members or friends, lingering feelings of guilt or shame, or unresolved feelings from a previous relationship, whatever you haven't fully addressed or healed can become a barrier, causing misunderstandings, resentment, and distance. Healing this “emotional baggage” takes time and courage but without doing it, we carry old patterns into new relationships. And there’s a reason these past interactions and relationships needed some support, right?

Consider this: if you've ever felt the need to be a 'people-pleaser,' often seeking approval and validation from your partner, chances are you're seeking to fulfill an emotional need from your past (a relationship with one or both of your parents or perhaps a previous partner) that was left unmet. If you don't address these unresolved things from the past, they can impact your relationships and create barriers to connection like misunderstandings, resentment, and distance between you and your partner. It's important to work through these issues and heal from past hurts in order to create a stronger, more connected relationship.

6. Trauma and Emotional Scars

Trauma from past experiences can cast a long shadow over our ability to truly connect. Whether from childhood or previous relationships, past hurts can leave deep emotional scars that, if left unhealed, create walls that keep us from fully opening up and being seen.

Let's imagine a situation where one partner has experienced constant criticism and belittling in a previous relationship. This emotional abuse has left deep emotional scars, making it difficult for them to trust or open up with their current partner. Until those scars are acknowledged and healed, real intimacy and connection will remain out of reach.

What can help? For anything I’ve mentioned above and especially when it comes to unresolved past issues and trauma, seeking therapy or counseling to address the emotional scars from the past is your best bet. A skilled therapist or psychologist can help you heal emotional wounds and develop healthier coping mechanisms. If vulnerability isn’t a barrier to connection for you in your current relationship, you can also consider being open and honest with your current partner about your past experiences and the impact it has on your current relationship. If you need, you can also set boundaries and create a safe environment for honest conversation to take place. This can help create more understanding and support between you and may even be healing in itself by providing a reparative experience, assuming your current partner is emotionally healthy and behaves towards you in emotionally healthy ways.

6. Differing Needs and Priorities

When partners have different needs or priorities, it can create misunderstandings, tension, and a sense of disconnect as they struggle to align their values and goals. When partners aren’t aligned in their goals, it can be challenging to find common ground and create a shared vision for the future.

Take Mike and Layla. When it comes to Mike’s values, security and stability are at the top of the list. His M.O. is building a successful career to provide for their family. Layla, on the other hand, loves adventure and spontaneity and wants to travel the world and have new experiences.

You can probably imagine what happened as they settled down and built a life together… Mike grew frustrated that Layla doesn't share his desire for stability, and Layla started to feel stifled by Mike's focus on work and the same ol’ routine week to week, month to month, year to year. Their differing desires left both feeling misunderstood, and frustration grew.

This is where the relational ‘N’ words comes in: Negotiation. For Mike and Layla, success in their relationship only came from finding ways to honor each other's needs and priorities… To honor both stability and adventure. Setting aside time for travel and new experiences while also ensuring that they have a secure foundation for their future.

Again, none of this is possible without vulnerability and open, honest communication. To address their differing needs and priorities in the relationship, Mike and Layla had to have open and honest conversations about what’s important to each of them and brainstormed creative strategies that met both of their needs.

Not only will coming together to negotiate your needs prevent the disconnect that’s likely to happen if you pretend that your frustrations and different needs don’t exist, it will actually create a ripple effect of trust and connection that only makes your relationship feel more connected and safe over time.

7. Neglecting Quality Time Together

As relationships progress, the busyness of life and each partner becoming preoccupied with their individual life and responsibilities can lead us to unintentionally neglect spending as much quality time together as we did in the beginning of the relationship. And when we stop nurturing the relationship through shared experiences, emotional distance can creep in.

Amy and Kabir, a couple I worked with, used to enjoy cooking dinner together and sharing their days. But, as they became busier with work and other commitments, they started to skip this shared activity and spent more time on their own. Without either of them realizing it, they drifted apart, and the lack of quality time led to feelings of disconnection.

The solution? Relationships don’t just work on their own. We need to make them work. And for Amy and Kabir, it meant making a conscious effort to prioritize their relationship and spend quality time together. Setting aside time each week for a date night- where they focused on each other and on growing their emotional intimacy- was one way to do this. They also started to invest time in finding new activities that bring both of them joy and that they can do together (e.g., hiking, painting, or taking a cooking class).

I wish I could say that all of this can happen without vulnerability but the truth is, it can’t. A willingness to share as well as listen and understand each other's needs is critical.

Moving Toward Reconnection

No matter what might be causing disconnection in your relationship, the path back to connection is always available. If you take time to understand the barriers, heal old wounds, and come together with openness, honesty, and vulnerability, a more fulfilling and long-lasting relationship is not far away.

And if you’re feeling the weight of disconnection and want support on the journey back to a fulfilling, lasting relationship, I invite you to book a one-on-one or one-on-two (couples) session with me. I'm always happy to help couples whelp you navigate the challenges and reconnect with each other in a way that feels genuine and lasting (spots are limited).