This One Communication Skill Will Improve All of Your Relationships
Have you ever gotten triggered while in conversation? Whether with a colleague? A friend? Or your partner, perhaps? Of course you have. If you live life among other humans, it’s very likely that parts of you will trigger parts of them and visa versa.
The last time I got really triggered in conversation was during a work-related discussion with a colleague I respected a lot. Something I said in a previous conversation had been remembered differently than I intended, and I could feel a protective part of me immediately react. A part of me felt misunderstood and misrepresented, and another part wanted so much to defend my intentions and clarify the situation as fast as I could.
At the same time, I could also sense that parts of my colleague were likely feeling activated too. Stress, pressure, differing perspectives, misunderstandings, defensiveness, fear of criticism, feeling blamed, wanting to feel heard — these things can emerge so quickly in human interactions, especially when something important is at stake.
Unfortunately, despite knowing the communication skill I’m about to share with you, I was under enough stress at the time that I wasn’t able to access it as skillfully as I would have liked in the moment.
Many other situations, however, have gone exceedingly well because I have used this skill that I (with big thanks to Dick Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems Therapy or IFS) refer to as “Speaking For Rather Than From”. What this means, in a nutshell, is that when some part of you is triggered or activated while in conversation with another person, you:
Recognize that a part of you (e.g., your angry part, your frustrated part, etc) has been triggered
See if you can take a step back (or “unblend”) from the part so that you can see it, in fact, as just a part of you and not as all of you
From your larger Self or core essence — the steadier, wiser, more compassionate place within you — ask this part about what it’s experiencing (Why has it been triggered? What’s important to it?) and listen as it shares its experience with you (For deep learning in connecting to your core essence or wisest Self, I invite you to register for My "Happy from the Inside Out" group coaching program)
Gain this part’s trust– let it know that you (as your larger, higher Self) understand what’s important to it and that you will speak for it. You will give it a voice, and it can trust you to represent its position to the other person
Speak for it– as your higher Self, represent this part’s perspective and feelings using the language of parts (rather than speaking from the upset, angry, etc part).
At its very basic level, the difference between speaking for a part of ourselves and speaking from a part of ourselves– whether at home or at work– comes down to saying “A part of me is pissed right now”, “A part of me is angry with you”, or “A part of me feels disappointed” rather than “I am pissed!”, “I am angry!”, or “I am so disappointed in you!” Put yourself on the receiver’s end of these messages right now and see, for yourself, how each would feel if someone were to say them to you.
Our verbal messages consist of content (the words we actually use) and also energy. Behind every message is an energy, and that’s where speaking for rather than from our inner parts helps a great deal.
How and Why It Works
Speaking for a part does three things:
1. Because it helps you to remain somewhat separate from the part, it helps you to take responsibility for the part’s strong feelings, concerns, and issues. Because you are taking responsibility for how this part of you feels, there is a lower likelihood of blame and judgment.
2. Because you are not being entirely flooded by the part (which is the case when you’re stating or yelling “I am pissed!”, “I am right!”, “I am the boo” or the like), your tone can be compassionate and you are more able to stay curious about what is going on with the other person too. This increases the possibility of connectedness.
3. Because of #1 and #2, the person you’re talking to is less likely to be offended, demeaned, or protective in some way, and your words are therefore less likely to trigger their hurt and sad parts and the angry, frustrated, or other parts that protect them.
Let’s see what this communication skill looks like in action.
DURING A BUSINESS CONVERSATION
An important part of business is bringing great minds together to resolve time-sensitive issues, and it’s not uncommon for there to be multiple voices and numerous suggestions for how to move forward with a solution.
In a business discussion, what parts of you may be activated? Perhaps a judgmental part? A frustrated part? An angry part? A hopeless part?
Speaking from a part (e.g., “That idea is doomed to fail. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now”) to voice frustration or disagreement with another person’s comment during a business meeting can result in a disrespectful and hostile work environment. That’s actually one of the reasons why all too often workplace cultures lack an air of “you can tell me anything” and “your voice will be heard”.
Speaking for relative to from your parts in a business discussion or formal meeting might go something like this.
Can you recognize how listening to and representing your part’s concerns and needs as your larger Self can help to enhance, rather than hinder, the likelihood of supportive collaboration?
WHEN YOU’RE MAKING PLANS WITH A FRIEND
When making plans with a friend, what parts of you may be activated? If your friend Rachelle prioritizes her desires for what you should do over your desires, perhaps your frustrated part would show up? Or if your friend Tim doesn’t show up on time, perhaps your worried part may make itself known? Or your angry part? And if Tim doesn’t show up at all, maybe your angry part, your judgmental part, or your ’need to set boundaries in the friendship’ part would make an appearance?
The difference between speaking from your parts and speaking for your parts in a situation like this can be the difference between increased tension and ease, or even the difference between conflict and calm. Here is what the two may sound like when you’re turning your plans into action with a friend.
Do you notice how listening to and speaking for your parts can allow you to express what you think and feel in a way that is more kind and respectful to others than if you simply spoke from your parts?
WHILE DISCUSSING AN EMOTIONAL ISSUE WITH YOUR PARTNER
When you and your partner have a misunderstanding and you need to clarify your feelings, what happens? What arises in you? And when your partner doesn’t fulfill their end of an agreement, what parts of you get activated? Your frustrated part? Your angry part? Your judgmental part? Your “I can’t believe it!” part?
Here’s what speaking from a part and speaking for a part may look like when your partner drops the ball.
Can you see how bringing your larger Self to be with (i.e., recognize, acknowledge, understand) a part of you before expressing its feelings and desires can be helpful in maintaining connection in a safe, non-threatening way?
In each of these examples, what difference do you notice in your body and mind as you speak as the part vs. when you speak for the part? It’s these feelings, thoughts, and sensory experiences that are the reason why this communication skill works to create more ease and calm and to reduce tension, defensiveness, and conflict in your relationships.
Start practicing now. The next time your co-worker, friend, or partner does something that activates some of your frustrated, hurt, angry, disappointed, or protective parts, you may find this technique incredibly helpful to have in your back pocket. And the more you practice it, the more it can become a skill you have accessible to you in the moments you need it most. And the more it becomes a skill you have, the more it can help to ease tension, avoid or overcome conflict, and save your relationships.
P.S. Much of the work I guide people through inside my course Happy from the Inside Out® focuses on exactly this kind of inner awareness — learning how to recognize our emotional reactions, understand the parts of us that become activated in relationships, and communicate in ways that create more honesty, ownership, connection, and emotional safety.
And, inside my Heart Share Circles, we practice having more thoughtful, human conversations about relationships, emotions, conflict, healing, communication, and the very real complexity of being people in relationship with other people. I’d love to have you join us.
