Choose Your Hard — A New Approach to New Year's Resolutions

Every January, we're encouraged to focus on what we'd like to improve.

Exercise more. Eat better. Communicate differently. Find a relationship. Leave a relationship. Start the thing. Stop the thing.

And while I have nothing against goals or intentions, over the years I've found myself returning to a much simpler question: What kind of hard am I willing to choose?

Because every path seems to contain some version of difficulty. Having the conversation is hard. Not having the conversation is hard. Being in a relationship is hard. Being single can be hard. Taking responsibility for your life is hard. Feeling powerless in your life is hard.

Every meaningful path seems to come with some version of difficulty.

Eventually I realized I didn’t want to try to get rid of difficulty (that started to feel like a fruitless thing to do). Instead, I decided I wanted to choose the kind of difficulty that felt aligned with the life I wanted to build.

So instead of asking yourself what you want to accomplish this year, perhaps a more useful question is:

What hard are you willing to choose?

When It Comes to Communicating About Things That Matter

Meaningful communication is hard. And I don’t mean "How's your day?" communication or "Could you pass the salt?" communication. I mean the conversations that actually matter. The ones where your voice shakes a little. The ones where you risk disappointing someone. The ones where you tell the truth. The ones where you ask for what you need. The ones where you admit you've been hurt. The ones where you say "I love you." The ones where you say "This isn't working."

Those conversations can be uncomfortable, awkward, vulnerable, messy, and sometimes downright terrifying. But not having them has its own cost.

I've spent periods of my life avoiding difficult conversations because I didn't know how to have them well. And while avoidance sometimes brought temporary relief, it also brought resentment, disconnection, confusion, regret, and a whole lot of wondering what might have happened if I had spoken up.

At this point in my life, I'd generally rather have the conversation with shaky hands and sweaty palms than carry around what was left unsaid.

Which hard do you choose?

When It Comes to Relationships

Relationships are hard. Not because they're bad, but because they're deeply human.

Being known is hard. Compromise is hard. Repairing after hurt or conflict is hard. Navigating differences is hard. Learning another person's wounds, needs, fears, habits, hopes, and ways of moving through the world is hard.

And yet being single can be hard too. Loneliness can be hard. Longing can be hard. Not having someone to share everyday moments with can be hard. Not having a consistent witness to your life can be hard.

Neither path is superior. Each offers its own gifts… and its own challenges. At different points in our lives, different versions of hard may fit us better.

The question isn't which path is easier. The question is which path feels aligned with what you're wanting, needing, and growing toward right now.

Which hard are you choosing this year?

When It Comes to Living Your Life

One of the hardest things I've encountered in living my life is learning how to listen to myself.

There is a certain comfort in following the script. Doing what everyone else is doing. Believing what everyone else believes. Wanting what everyone else wants.

After all, belonging matters. Being accepted matters. Being part of a community matters.

But there are times when following the script creates its own kind of suffering. When a part of you knows something isn't right. When your values don't quite match the crowd. When your intuition keeps nudging you in a different direction. When your life starts feeling more like something you're performing than something you're actually authentically living.

Speaking up can be hard. Disagreeing can be hard. Choosing differently can be hard. Being misunderstood can be hard (p boy, that one’s been a doozy for me). But betraying yourself has its own cost too.

For me, learning to trust my own voice has been an ongoing practice rather than a destination I’ve neatly arrived at. Some days I do it well. Other days I notice myself wanting approval, belonging, certainty, or reassurance just like everyone else, even when it costs me my own alignment and authentic expression.

But over time, I've learned that the discomfort of being myself tends to be more sustainable than the discomfort of constantly pretending to be someone I'm not.

Which hard are you choosing?

The discomfort of being myself tends to be more sustainable than the discomfort of constantly pretending to be someone I'm not.

The Point Isn't To Avoid Difficulty

The older and wiser I get, the less interested I am in becoming a completely different person every January and the less I believe that there is a version of life that comes without challenge. There is only the challenge of staying where we are and the challenge of growing. The challenge of speaking and the challenge of staying silent. The challenge of belonging and the challenge of standing out and apart. The challenge of loving and the challenge of protecting our hearts. Every meaningful life seems to require courage somewhere.

So perhaps this year isn't about finding the easy path. Perhaps it's about choosing the hard that feels most aligned with who you're becoming.

And trusting yourself enough to walk it.

What hard are you choosing?

P.S. Inside my course Happy from the Inside Out®, we spend a lot of time getting to know the inner patterns, fears, beliefs, protective responses, and habits that shape our choices and the lives those choices create. And inside Heart Share Circles, these kinds of questions often come to life through conversation. There is something powerful about hearing how other people are navigating their own versions of "hard" and discovering that we're often wrestling with more of the same things than we realize. I'd love for you to join us if you're looking for support, connection, and companionship as you navigate your own path forward this year.