7 Ways to Heal Your Old Emotional Wounds
This article was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated over time to reflect my current voice, links, and evolving understanding while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.
Old wounds are just that – old. Some came at about 10, 15, or 20 years ago and most probably entered your psyche 30, 40 or 50 years ago depending on your age. Yet the emotional milieu these wounds came with and the meaning you’ve ascribed to them likely make them appear as very recent, very relevant, and very reliable sources of information about you and your life. Though these old wounds often develop in an effort to protect us from future hurt, they can sometimes shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world long after the original experience has passed. The result isn't that we're broken, but that we may find ourselves living from old stories, fears, and expectations that no longer fully fit who we are today. So here are seven ways you can begin to tend to old wounds, support your healing, and create a little more peace and freedom in your life.
1. Talk to Someone Who Will Listen Without Judgment
Just like physical wounds, our emotional wounds often benefit from immediately being covered and wrapped in gauze. But after some time has passed and the natural healing process has taken effect, it is advisable to begin to let the skin breathe, and open up the wound to air. In similar ways, the stories and memories of our emotional wounds need their fair share of “air time”. We need to talk about what happened, how we felt, how it affected us, and any and every detail that lives on in us until this very day. To the extent that your story has been kept hidden and untold, it continues to live on in you in very real ways, continuing to influence how you see yourself, others, and the world around you. To release yourself of its grip, you’ve got to find a confidante, or two, or three, and share it. Start by choosing someone you trust and sharing just a few pieces of your story. Then share a little more… and a little more… and a little more.
2. Feel It, The Thing You Don’t Want to Feel
Unmet feelings, over time, become wounds and scars that reflect the trauma we’ve experienced. Maybe you lost someone you loved at a very young age… maybe they were there physically but “checked out” mentally and emotionally… maybe you were teased or bullied for having a certain hairstyle or not having the “right” clothes… maybe you misinterpreted a bad grade as a sign that you weren’t smart or capable… We’ve all got scars, and whatever yours are, they arise from an emotional experience that you didn’t fully process as it happened, hence causing some breakage in your self-identity or scarring in your world-view. When we avoid our feelings, it makes them appear more solid and more intense. Perhaps you were too young to understand what was happening… maybe you felt afraid or unsafe to feel unpleasant emotions that came up… maybe you unconsciously inherited your family’s unaccepting attitude towards feelings... or maybe you simply grew up in a world (the same one as us all) which often says ”crying is weakness”, “just be positive”, or “don’t feel that way”. Whatever the season or reason for your unpleasant emotions not being given their fair share of attention, you’ve got to feel them to heal them. The feelings we make space for tend to move. The feelings we continually avoid often linger.
Feelings, as they say, are just visitors. You can let them come and let them go. In order to let them come and go, you’ve got to feel them. It’s when you ignore and don’t address their reason for being that these weekend AirBnB visitors become multi-year rentals or even permanent tenants. Healing and growth don’t always feel good, but trying to always feel good does not help you heal.
3. Stop Playing the Shame Game
Many of the old wounds we carry in our psyche exist because there was some element of shaming (usually yourself) to what happened. Whether it was a mistake you made that made you feel incompetent, a situation you experienced that led you to feel inferior, or a choice you made that no one else approved of, it’s likely that you’re continuing to carry shame around what you did, what you want, and/or who you are. Let’s be honest, our media, school systems, and society at large doesn’t really encourage imperfection, embrace forgiveness for past mistakes, and tell you you can feel okay about yourself if you pursue actions and desires that are outside the “norm”. And that’s all the more reason why you’ve got to do it. Even if the current societal norm is to feign perfection, judge based on past mistakes, and ignore personal desire at the risk of appearing different, you’ve got to choose differently. You’ve got to choose to stop playing the shame game that keeps your wounds alive and to try playing the self-compassion game instead. Shame is not a motivator. Self-compassion is.
Shame is not a motivator. Self-compassion is.
4. Stop Playing the Blame Game, Too
Take some time to go inside and to reflect on what happened in that situation that continues to hold space in your mind, heart, and soul. Not from a perspective of judgment and criticism, but from the point of view of compassion and curiosity. Just as with physical wounds, you’ve got to keep your emotional wounds clean if they are to heal. One thing that often keeps emotional wounds from healing is a close cousin of shame named blame. When you direct it at someone else, blame leads you into a very disempowering place of pointing the finger at something or someone outside of yourself, preventing you from seeing the part you play and taking any positive action in a situation. When you direct it at yourself, blame keeps you feeling wrong, bad, or inferior in some fundamental way. It paralyzes your muscles of compassion and prevents you from taking responsibility for the part you may have played. Did you know that you can take responsibility for your part in something without blaming yourself for it? You can. And it all begins with going inside and asking questions like “What happened and why did it [bother, anger, frustrate, sadden, etc.] me so much?” and following by flexing your self-compassion muscles while giving your self-criticism and self-blame muscles a break. Sometimes you don’t need a new strategy for being hard on yourself– you just need self-compassion.
5. Talk to a Therapist, Healer, or Coach
Healing doesn't have to be something you do alone. Sometimes what helps most is having someone sit with you, help you make sense of your experiences, and offer support as you navigate the parts of your story that still carry pain, fear, grief, shame, or confusion. Many of us spend years trying to carry everything ourselves. We analyze, minimize, distract, rationalize, or push through. And while those strategies may help us get by, they don't always help us heal.
Sometimes what creates movement isn't figuring everything out on your own. Sometimes it's having a safe space where your experiences can be seen, heard, understood, and held with care. The simple act of sharing what you've been carrying can be profoundly healing.
6. Be Present, If Only for a Moment
Sometimes we assume that healing requires constant doing, fixing, analyzing, or effort. The truth is that it’s this very notion of needing to undo and redo, and of needing to be in go-go-go mode rather than in be-here-now mode that keeps us in a cycle of being clouded by our mind’s persistent chatter and ignoring, rather than listening to and feeling, the very feelings that underlie the chatter. Have you ever heard someone repeat the same hurtful story multiple times, continuously reliving their breakup or other perceived failure or hurt? Although the event is long gone, it’s as if they keep breaking their own heart, again and again, by repeating the story. So for just a moment, see if you can relax. Take a breath. And pay attention to what is happening inside you right now. Sit with what hurts. Sit with what angers. Sit with the thing you don’t want to feel. No need to figure out what to do about it and how to make it go away. Sit, observe, and watch as it moves all on its own. In the present moment, where you aren’t resisting things as they are, there isn’t anything wrong, and there aren’t any wounds to heal.
Which brings us to #7–
7. Remember That You Are More Than Your Wounds
As you work through old hurts and painful experiences, it can be easy to begin seeing yourself through the lens of what happened to you. We can become so focused on healing our wounds that we forget there is more to us than our wounds.
Yes, you've been hurt. Yes, you've experienced disappointment, loss, rejection, heartbreak, shame, grief, or pain. Those experiences matter. They have shaped you in real ways. But they are not the whole story of who you are.
Beneath the wounds, alongside the wounds, and sometimes even within them, there is also resilience, wisdom, strength, tenderness, courage, creativity, and love. There is a part of you that has remained intact through every difficult thing you've lived through.
Often, we become so busy trying to become a better version of ourselves that we forget to appreciate the person we already are. We become so focused on what needs attention, growth, or healing that we lose sight of what is already good, whole, and worthy within us. So as you explore points one through six, consider trying on a few different beliefs:
"My wounds are part of my story, but they are not all of who I am."
"Who I am is already worthy, even as I continue to grow and heal."
"What if there is more right with me than I've been led to believe?"
Healing matters. Growth matters. And so does remembering that you are more than the painful experiences you've endured.
Many of us spend years trying to fix ourselves, only to discover that healing begins not with judgment, but with understanding, compassion, and connection. Learning to understand the parts of us that carry pain, fear, shame, and old stories is at the heart of the work I teach inside Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to build a kinder relationship with yourself and create space for healing from the inside out, I'd love to see you there.
