Are You Living from Your Wounds or Your True Self?

As I look back over my life, there’s one truth that has become increasingly clear: more often than not, I’ve been living from my wounded self. There were times I believed things, said things, and acted in ways that, looking back, were driven by wounds I didn’t even realize were there. The ripple effects of these choices were far-reaching—missed opportunities, fractured relationships, and an underlying sense of unhappiness.

Coming to terms with this wasn’t something that happened overnight. It was a slow awakening to the ways my lack of awareness had held me back, and how my wounds had often been the ones making my decisions for me.

Today, it’s my life’s work to help others heal—to gently guide others toward breaking free from the shackles of their wounded self and embracing the fullness of who they truly are. But before we can walk that path, we first need to be able to tell the difference between the voices of our wounded self and the gentle whispers of our true Self.

So, how can we recognize when our wounded self is calling the shots? And how can we learn to respond from a place of authenticity and inner truth instead? Let’s take a closer look together.

When it Comes to Our Emotions:

Our wounded self: Reacts with intense, disproportionate emotions, often echoing past traumas or unresolved wounds.

Our true Self: Responds from a place of calm authenticity, reflecting genuine feelings that align with the present moment reality.

For example, the wounded self might lash out in anger when your partner forgets to pick up groceries. A minor issue turns into a heated argument. But your true Self? It might pause, take a deep breath, and calmly express how you’re feeling, working together to find a solution.

When it Comes to Triggers:

Our wounded self: Reacts strongly and immediately to situations that mirror old hurts, driven by unconscious triggers.

Our true Self: Recognizes those triggers, responds mindfully, and remains grounded in the present rather than being pulled into the past.

For instance, your wounded self might feel attacked and get defensive during a performance review at work, perceiving constructive feedback as criticism. Your true Self, however, sees it as an opportunity to grow, acknowledging the feedback and reflecting on ways to improve.

When it Comes to Motivation and Intent:

Our wounded self: Acts out of fear, seeking external validation or avoiding discomfort.

Our true Self: Moves with intention, guided by authenticity, love, and a desire for personal growth, among other inner values.

Perhaps your wounded self would accept a promotion simply to impress others, even if it doesn’t align with your values. But your true Self? It would follow a path that resonates deeply with your passions and purpose, choosing what feels right for your inner fulfillment.

When it Comes to Our Inner Dialogue:

Our wounded self: Engages in negative self-talk, harsh self-criticism, often echoing the critical voices of the past.

Our true Self: Cultivates a nurturing inner dialogue, speaking with self-compassion, offering support, understanding, and grace.

If you make a mistake at work, your wounded self might say, “Who do you think you are? You’re not good enough.” But your true Self would acknowledge the mistake as part of growth and offer you understanding, gently encouraging you to learn from the experience and move forward with compassion.

When it Comes to Bodily Sensations:

Our wounded self: Tends to hold onto physical tension, unease, or discomfort, often reflecting the deeper layers of unresolved hurt stored within our bodies.

Our true Self: Moves with ease, softness, and presence, signaling a deep alignment with our inner truth and authenticity.

For example, your wounded self may experience tightness in your shoulders or stomach, carrying the weight of stress and responsibility. But your true Self might whisper, “It’s time to care for yourself now,” guiding you toward moments of stillness, deep breathing, or a walk in nature to bring your body back into harmony. The body often tells the story our mind isn’t yet ready to process, and by listening to these sensations, we can begin to offer ourselves the care we truly need.

When it Comes to Connection vs. Isolation:

Our wounded self: Withdraws from or avoids genuine connections, choosing isolation and disconnection out of fear of past hurt.

Our true Self: Seeks and nurtures genuine connections with others, honoring the innate human need for vulnerability, belonging, and authentic connection.

Your wounded self might shy away from deep social connections, fearing rejection. But your true Self knows that it’s through these very connections—through vulnerability and openness—that we find true belonging. It would encourage you to actively seek out and nurture genuine connections with others at your own pace, and remind you of how important it is to embrace vulnerability and authenticity in these relationships.

When it Comes to Alignment with Our Values:

Our wounded self: Acts in ways that betray core values in an effort to please others, give into fears, insecurities, and external expectations, or avoid discomfort.

Our true Self: Makes choices that are deeply aligned with our most authentic values and embodies authenticity and integrity, even when it’s difficult.

Your wounded self might compromise your values and integrity to avoid conflict or seek approval to maintain harmony in your relationships, or maybe even to advance professionally, which might lead you to feelings of guilt and inner conflict. The true Self, however, knows that staying true to your values is what ultimately leads to inner peace and fulfillment and it would therefore make sure to make decisions and take actions that align with your authentic self, even and especially when you’re faced with challenges.

When it Comes to Response Time:

Our wounded self: Reacts quickly and impulsively without pausing to fully consider the moment, driven by old fears or defenses, succumbing to knee-jerk responses fueled by past wounds.

Our true Self: Breathes before it speaks, taking the time to pause, reflect, and respond consciously, grounded in clarity, intention, and inner wisdom.

In moments of conflict, the wounded self might lash out or retreat, feeling cornered by past hurts and instinctively trying to protect. But your true Self, with patience and clarity, pauses before reacting, allowing space to respond thoughtfully. This small moment of pause can transform a potential argument into a space for understanding, as you move from fear into love.

When it Comes to Our Patterns of Behavior:

Our wounded self: Falls into familiar cycles—procrastination, perfectionism, self-sabotage—that, although they feel safe, often keep us stuck in past cycles of woundedness and disconnection.

Our true Self: Chooses behaviors that nurture growth and healing, allowing for authentic self-expression and a life aligned with our heart’s truth.

Your wounded self may cling to old patterns, like pushing yourself too hard in an effort to avoid feeling inadequate, or procrastinating because the fear of failure feels too heavy. But your true Self? It knows that real strength lies in honoring your limits, asking for help, and showing up imperfectly but authentically. When you embrace new, healthier patterns, you create space for the kind of growth that feels nourishing rather than depleting

When it Comes to Self-Compassion:

Our wounded self: Harbors self-judgment, guilt, or shame, perpetuating cycles of self-criticism and unworthiness.

Our true Self: Embraces mistakes with self-compassion, viewing them as opportunities for growth, learning, and transformation.

Self-compassion isn’t a language the wounded self speaks fluently. But your true Self offers it freely, knowing that we are all worthy of love and understanding, even when we stumble. Your true Self would be likely to lean on self-compassion and self-forgiveness, acknowledging your humanity and encouraging you to treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance.

A Path Forward

I hope you've found some clarity and insight to guide you on your journey of self-discovery and healing while reading. If there’s one thing I want to leave you with today, it’s this: recognizing when you’re living from your wounded self is the first step toward freedom. Toward true happiness. And I’m so glad that, through awareness, we could begin to untangle some of the threads that our conditioning and past traumas weave in our lives.

If you're ready to more deeply explore this journey of untangling the life created for you by your wounded self, I invite you to join me for my free webinar, How to Be the Loving Partner or Parent You Want to Be. In this 90 minute session, we’ll uncover the roots of our subconscious behaviors and learn practical strategies to reclaim the fullness of who we are. Simply click here to reserve your spot, and I’ll see you there!

And if you’re thinking “Dr Sophia, I hear you and I want some personalized guidance and support with my unique challenges", I also offer therapeutic coaching tailored to your needs. My schedule fills quickly, but there are still a few spots open. Reach out to learn more.

With love,