Why Be Happy When You Could Be Open?

This post was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated over time to reflect my current voice, links, and evolving understanding while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.

When asked, "What do you want most out of life?" many of us answer with some version of the same thing:

"To be happy."

And if that's you too, boy are you in good company.

Because in the next two to five minutes (depending on how slowly or quickly you like to read 😊), I'd love to share a perspective that has deepened my appreciation for happiness while also leading me to ask a different question:

Why be happy when you could be open?

Who knows, by the end, you might even find yourself questioning whether happiness is the goal at all. Or, maybe not. Maybe you’ll discover a different truth that feels good for you and your life right now. As with anything I write or say, I ask that you not simply accept my words as truth, but that you try them on and see how they fit (or don’t fit) your system of values and personal map of where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going.

Whatever you are experiencing at this moment is just a chapter, not your whole story.

There is one idea that, when I return to it again and again, helps me move through life with a little more ease, perspective, and compassion. It is this:

Life is never the same. It is an ever-moving, ever-changing, ever-evolving series of experiences. What that means is that the experience you are currently in will not last forever. In fact, it will not last nearly as long as you think. Whether you’re flying high (having just received a job promotion, having just gone on the best first date of your life, having just received the most feel-good compliment from the most important person in your life), or riding low (having just received news of the death of a loved one, having just been told by the person you’ve developed real feelings for that they are not interested, or having been informed that the job you’ve been looking forward to doing so much will be going to someone else), these moments won’t last forever.

There are moments when life is incredibly easy to love. There are moments when life is quite hard to love. Even so, look around at the changing nature of everything around you. Look up at the stars and know that they will soon be replaced by sunshine and blue skies. Sometimes we grieve the changing nature of life, and sometimes we're grateful for it. Often, we're both at once.

If we want to experience life more fully as it unfolds, perhaps the invitation is this:

Falling so deeply in love with this moment that you forget there was or will ever be another one.

On one end of the happiness spectrum is “trying to be happy” and on the other is “letting yourself be happy”. I’m sorry to say, but they are on opposite sides of the spectrum for a good reason. The more tightly we cling to happiness, the harder it can be to experience it naturally when it arrives.

The more tightly we cling to happiness, the harder it can be to experience it naturally when it arrives.

When I say "why be happy" (like in the title of this article), what I really mean is this: why spend so much energy trying to feel happy instead of creating space for happiness to arise naturally?

Being genuinely happy, contrary to popular belief, does not come from getting everything you want in life (e.g., the perfect partner, job, salary, home, figure, and friends), nor does it come from hanging out with perfect human beings who treat you perfectly in every moment of the day. Genuine happiness, research suggests, comes from noticing and embracing a wide array of emotions – both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. It comes from understanding that this moment, no matter what it contains, is okay and worthy of our presence, attention, and care. You see, it’s not the sad, mad, or scared feelings themselves that get us stuck in a rut, pouting for minutes on end. It’s the belief that feeling this way is bad or not okay that can get you stuck in self-judgment and resistance.

Now I know that may have felt like a lot to take in, and if you find yourself saying, "Huh? I don't get it," don't worry. The takeaway is this: there is nothing inherently wrong with having the experience you're having. Painful emotions are not proof that you're failing, broken, or doing life incorrectly. Painful emotions are not proof that you're failing, broken, or doing life incorrectly.

There is nothing inherently wrong with having the experience you're having. Painful emotions are not proof that you're failing, broken, or doing life incorrectly.

The fact that you are feeling happy when you are, sure, is good. Yet the fact that you aren’t feeling happy when you aren’t isn’t bad. It isn’t bad to feel bad. You aren’t doing life ‘wrong’ when you’re feeling bad (sad, angry, frustrated, worried, disappointed, nervous, and so on). Because difficult emotions are part of life, not evidence that you've done something wrong.

So why not adopt “It isn’t bad to feel bad” as your mantra for a while (you might enjoy my article Sad Isn't Bad if this one calls to you)… or perhaps my favorite mantra: “I don’t need anything to be different right now” (you might want to check out my article What You Resist, Persists — What You Accept, Transforms if this one calls to you)

Every time I say “I don’t need anything to be different right now” to myself when I’m feeling anything but great, my shoulders drop and a little more space opens up inside me. Because heck, nothing needs to be different right now! What a relief. When I’m feeling joy, the joy that I’m feeling is great. And when I’m not feeling joy but feeling sadness or frustration instead, that’s cool too. It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong and that I “suck at life”. Phew!

“I don't need anything to be different right now.”

All that’s to say that if you run into me on the random weekday evening or weekend afternoon, it’s very likely that you’ll find me smiling and enjoying the joys of life. But if you happen to run into me during a season when life’s experiences call for crying, scowling, and/or swearing, you will find me doing just that, while doing my best not to judge myself for it.

Happiness comes. It goes. It comes again, and then it goes again. It is the natural cycle of life to exhibit peaks and valleys, yet the search for happiness is often built on an illusory expectation of lifelong, continual, never-ending bliss. And this is precisely why the pursuit of happiness often leaves us hungry and thirsty for the very thing we sought out to capture – ultimate joy.

So, if trying to be happy doesn’t work, then what does? If being happy isn’t all it’s cut out to be, then what is?

Well, one alternative to constantly chasing happiness (and my favorite) is this:

Be open.

For me, openness isn't the absence of joy — it's what allows joy, grief, wonder, disappointment, awe, and love to move through us without needing to force, fix, or avoid any of it.

So, be open to all of life, as it is, in this very moment. Be open to the difficult moments. Be open to the beautiful ones. Be open to the possibility of experiencing a sudden whirl of sadness, an unexpected bout of frustration, or unpredictable and unmanageable sense of fear. Be open to the possibility of experiencing the greatest joy you’ve ever felt, a kind of joy that makes you say “I didn’t know life could feel this good!” Be open to the likely sorrow that follows ultimate bliss and to the inevitable joy that follows despair. Be open to the expected making way for the unexpected, and the uncertain forming into something certain. Whatever you do, if you want to be genuinely happy, be open – to both the joy and the pain, and everything in between.

My wish for you then, is not that you be happy. My wish for you is that you enjoy a lifetime of people, experiences, and revelations that help you get to a place where when someone asks, “Are you happy?” your answer is:

“In all honesty? No. But I am curious– I am curious in my sadness, and I am curious in my joy. I am everseeking, everfeeling, I am in awe of the beautiful moments life gives us, and I am in awe of the difficult ones. I am transfixed by grief, by growth. It is all so stunning, so rich, and I will never convince myself that I cannot be somber, cannot be hurt, cannot be overjoyed. I want to feel it all– I don’t want to cover it up or numb it. So no, I am not happy. I am open, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” (Bianca Sparacino, Seeds Planted in Concrete

Learning to make space for the full range of our emotions, loosen our grip on the pursuit of constant happiness, and relate to ourselves with greater openness is something I explore more deeply inside my course, Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to stop chasing happiness and start building a more compassionate, curious, and authentic relationship with yourself, I'd love to see you there.