The Truth About Urgency, To Do Lists, and Doing Too Much

Have you ever found yourself on a perpetual treadmill… a sense of urgency driving your day-to-day activities and unrelenting thoughts of “gotta get it all done” and "not enough" swirling in your mind? I’ve been there, for longer than I’d like to admit, and it’s led me to a deep understanding of what happens when our basic needs are unmet.

Here’s the truth I’ve come to know: When our fundamental needs for safety, satisfaction, and connection are unfulfilled, a frantic energy propels us into action. It’s not the peaceful energy that reminds us of something that we’d benefit from getting done, but rather an urgency to get it all done in hopes that it’ll address these unmet needs. It’s what we use to cope with the unsafe and disconnected feeling inside of us, and it’s usually a quite unconscious and powerful force that runs many of our lives.

Let’s get to know a little bit about it.

Task-Driven Urgency or what I like to call “Gotta Get It Done!”

In the quest to compensate for our unmet needs, tasks become a kind of refuge. We (unconsciously, of course) think that if I just get this, this, and this done, then I won’t have to feel these feelings of not being good enough or of not being worthy enough of my parents’ undivided love and attention. And so, with each task we complete, we get a fleeting sense of accomplishment, a momentary relief from the gnawing voice within that says “still not good enough”. Urgency, in this sense, is a survival mechanism, a way to distract from the deeper, unaddressed needs that we have. Can you relate?

If I just get this, this, and this done, then I won’t have to feel these feelings of not being good enough or of not being worthy enough of my parents’ undivided love and attention.

The Unquenchable Thirst for Accomplishments

In the midst of my own unmet needs, I found myself immersed in an endless sea of tasks. No matter how much I’d gotten done, I wanted to do more. Each task I completed felt like a victory but only for a brief moment. Urgency fueled my desire for accomplishments, and all the tasks I quickly got done and everything I accomplished blinded me to the deeper yearnings inside of me. I called myself a “go-getter” all those years and friends marveled at how productive I was. I was definitely productive, but you see, I was doing it only to escape from the discomfort I felt within. My parents were very hard on me growing up. We’re part of a culture that thinks pressure and criticism are the ways to encourage your children to become their best (maybe you can relate?) As a teenager and young adult, I deeply yearned for my parents to just tell me what a good job I’d done already! Instead, I relentlessly pursued work projects. What looked on the outside to be a quest for success, was, in truth, an attempt to fill the void of my unrecognized needs for acknowledgment and validation.

I was definitely productive, but you see, I was doing it only to escape from the discomfort I felt within.

 

It’s amazing to me, really, how a behavior that looks so positive on the outside can actually be fulfilling an intention that is less universally positive. That’s why, these days, the most important question I ask myself and my clients is “Why?” Why do you love checking things off the to-do list? Why do you want to go to graduate school? And in my time asking “Why?,” I’ve found that 99% of the time, busyness acts as a shield and the desire to “get shIt done” as a temporary escape, preventing us from directly confronting the uncomfortable emotions we hold within.

99% of the time, busyness acts as a shield and the desire to “get shIt done” as a temporary escape, preventing us from directly confronting the uncomfortable emotions we hold within.

The Illusion of Control

One of the other unconscious reasons we often seek to engage in constant tasks is that constantly getting things done creates an illusion of control. And guess what it is that we realistically have very little of in life? Control. We live in a world where sometimes we can’t get our needs met despite trying and where our circumstances can change in a matter of a moment. And in this world, controlling external circumstances through tasks seems appealing– it offers a semblance of control. But, the truth is, it's just an illusion.

A number of years ago, I came face to face with the way I’d been deceiving myself through this illusion of control. I was organizing every aspect of my life, from meticulous schedules to detailed to-do lists and plans, only to wake up to the fact that my actions were nothing more than a desperate attempt to exert control over an environment that felt chaotic due to some unmet emotional needs I had. You see, I had never felt safe growing up, from the financial struggles of being an immigrant child of immigrant parents to having parents who cared a ton but who couldn’t emotionally attune to their highly sensitive daughter. I wanted to feel safe in my skin, in my relationships, and in life and in a time when I couldn’t easily feel that way. I thought the more I could manipulate external circumstances through tasks, the less I had to grapple with the uncontrollable and unsafe-feeling aspects of my life. It did provide me with a sense of safety for some time, but it was false and very short-lasting.

External Validation as a Quick Fix

Unmet needs need to be coped with, and we all do it differently. For me, the sense of urgency and task mastery was closely accompanied by seeking external validation. It was another way that my nervous systems coped with the unmet needs of my childhood. So maybe you don’t compensate for your unmet needs through tasks. Maybe you do it by seeking external validation. Especially in our status-driven society, it isn’t difficult for accomplishments, achievements, and recognition to become surrogate sources of satisfaction for the safety and love we really yearn to feel.

Especially in our status-driven society, it isn’t difficult for accomplishments, achievements, and recognition to become surrogate sources of satisfaction for the safety and love we really yearn to feel.

Can you relate to the urgency to prove yourself through external markers? Or do you know anyone who fits the bill? Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to excel professionally; it’s just that it’s not sustainable and doesn’t address the real things we hunger for as humans, like genuine connection, belonging, and love. For my friend Susan, it was just that. Accomplishments and recognition momentarily satiated the hunger for connection she felt inside. Not long after, that hunger would return and off she was off to accomplish the next thing. The urgency to prove herself through external markers intensified again, blurring the lines between the genuine satisfaction she yearned to feel and the need for acknowledgment she settled for.

A Better, More Intentional Way

The urgency-driven pursuit of tasks is a way to fill the voids we have for true joy and connection, but only temporarily. It's like placing band-aids on a wound that requires deep healing. The tasks, while momentarily satisfying, don't address the root cause of your unmet needs. The void is still there.

And so, what’s a better way? Well, in the last fifteen years of working through this personally and helping hundreds of clients do the same, I’m confident that it’s attending to the need, honoring it, holding it with a lot of awareness, tenderness, love, and care, accepting it fully and building a real relationship with it is a much better way. It’s not a compensatory or coping strategy like urgency and task-mastery, but a real resolution. The urgent pursuit of tasks, while providing temporary relief, cannot substitute for addressing the fundamental needs that propel the urgency and desire to “get it all done’. There is no way around this if you want to get to true inner happiness and relief.

When I hear well-meaning people say to their friends, “just stop doing so much”, “do less”, “slow down”, or some other comment meant to put their most rampant coping mechanisms to rest, I flinch. It’s because ou coping mechanisms exist for a reason and though they have certain consequences for our life, they’ve also helped us avoid some things we probably haven’t been able to face inside. That’s why you can’t just “stop it”. It helps to have a knowledgeable, loving guide who can “hold space” for your thoughts, feelings, and transformation and who can help facilitate the inner work of softening your long-held coping strategies. Feel free to visit my coaching page and e-mail me at [email protected] with any questions or to begin working with me directly. If and when you’re ready, I am happy to take you through the very same emotional healing work that I continue to do through this very day.

Thankfully (and I can attest to this), on the other side of the constant doing is a life of more conscious and mindful living that offers exactly the genuine happiness and relief that you once hoped constant doing would.