The Truth About Urgency, To Do Lists, and Doing Too Much

Have you ever found yourself caught on a perpetual treadmill… a sense of urgency driving your day-to-day activities and unrelenting thoughts of “gotta get it all done” and "not enough" swirling in your mind? I’ve been there—far longer than I care to admit. And, it's led me to understand that this frantic drive to do more, to check off every task, often stems from something deeper: our basic, unfulfilled needs.

Here’s what I’ve come to understand: when we don’t feel truly safe, satisfied, or connected, a frantic energy becomes our coping mechanism and propels us into action. It’s not the peaceful kind of motivation that guides us toward meaningful actions, but rather a sense of desperation—a belief that if we just accomplish enough, we’ll somehow soothe the discomfort bubbling beneath the surface. Yet, this urgency never quite addresses the real need of healing the unsafe and disconnected feeling inside of us. Instead, it masks it, and quite unconsciously runs many of our lives.

Let’s get to know a little bit about it.

Task-Driven Urgency or what I like to call “Gotta Get It Done!”

In our quest to compensate for our unmet emotional needs, tasks become our refuge. We (unconsciously, of course) believe that if I just get this, this, and this done, then maybe I'll quiet these feelings of not being good enough or not worthy enough of my parents’ undivided love and attention (feelings that have been lingering since childhood). And so, with each task we complete, we get a fleeting sense of accomplishment, a momentary relief from the gnawing voice within us that says “still not good enough”.

If I just get this, this, and this done, then maybe I'll quiet these feelings of not being good enough or of not being worthy enough of my parents’ undivided love and attention.

For me, growing up in a home where achievement was a marker of love and worth, I learned early on that productivity and success were the paths to acceptance. As I moved into adulthood, my to-do lists became a way to avoid the uncomfortable emotions I didn’t know how to face. Every time I checked something off, I felt a fleeting sense of relief. But the nagging voice of “still not enough” never truly went away.

Can you relate?

This task-driven urgency is a survival mechanism, but one that distracts us from the deeper work of addressing what’s truly driving us. It promises satisfaction but rarely delivers anything lasting.

The Unquenchable Thirst for Accomplishments

In the midst of my own unmet needs, I found myself immersed in an endless sea of tasks. No matter how much I’d gotten done, it never felt like enough. Each task I completed felt like a victory but only for a brief moment. My relentless focus on productivity earned me praise from others—“You’re so driven!” “You get so much done!”—but inside, I was still yearning for the validation and love I had long sought from my parents.

I called myself a “go-getter” all those years and friends marveled at how productive I was. I was definitely productive, but you see, I was doing it only to escape from the discomfort I felt within. My parents were very hard on me growing up. We’re part of a culture that thinks pressure and criticism are the ways to encourage your children to become their best (maybe you can relate?) As a teenager and young adult, I deeply yearned for my parents to just tell me what a good job I’d done already! Instead, I relentlessly pursued work projects. What looked on the outside to be a quest for success was really an attempt to fill the void of my unrecognized needs for acknowledgment and validation.

I was definitely productive, but you see, I was doing it only to escape from the discomfort I felt within.

 

It’s amazing to me, really, how a behavior that looks so positive on the outside can actually be driven by something less so. And that’s why, these days, the most important question I ask myself and my clients is “Why?” Why do you love checking things off the to-do list? Why do you want to go to graduate school? Why are you chasing success?" And in my time asking “Why?,” I’ve found that 99% of the time, busyness acts as a shield and the desire to “get shIt done” a temporary escape, helping us run from confronting the uncomfortable feelings inside.

99% of the time, busyness acts as a shield and the desire to “get shIt done” as a temporary escape, helping us run from confronting the uncomfortable feelings inside.

The Illusion of Control

Constantly getting things done also offers us an illusion of control in a world that often feels uncontrollable. And guess what it is that we realistically have very little of in life? Control. We live in a world where sometimes we can’t get our needs met despite trying our best and where our circumstances can change in a matter of a moment. And in the face of life’s uncertainties, we cling to our to-do lists as a way to impose order, to feel like we have a handle on things. But here’s the hard truth: control is just an illusion.

A number of years ago, I came face to face with the way I’d been deceiving myself through this illusion of control. I was organizing every aspect of my life, from meticulous schedules to detailed to-do lists and plans, only to wake up to the fact that my actions were nothing more than an attempt to exert control over an environment that felt so chaotic and unpredictable!

You see, I had never felt safe growing up, from the financial struggles of being an immigrant child of immigrant parents to having parents who cared a ton but who couldn’t emotionally attune to their highly sensitive daughter. I wanted to be enough and to feel safe in my skin, in my relationships, and in the world around me. I thought the more I could manipulate external circumstances through tasks, the less I had to grapple with the uncontrollable and unsafe-feeling truths of my life. It did provide me with a sense of safety for some time, but it was false and very short-lasting.

External Validation as a Quick Fix

Unmet needs need to be coped with, and we all do it differently. For me, the sense of urgency and task mastery was closely tied to a need for external validation. It was another way that my nervous system coped with the unmet needs of my childhood. 

So maybe you don’t compensate for your unmet needs through tasks. Maybe you do it by seeking acknowledgment from other people. Especially in our status-driven society, it's not unusual for accomplishments, achievements, and recognition to become surrogate sources that fill the void left by our unmet needs for safety, love, and belonging.

Especially in our status-driven society, it isn’t difficult for accomplishments, achievements, and recognition to become surrogate sources of satisfaction for the safety and love we really yearn to feel.

Can you relate to the urgency to prove yourself through external markers? Or do you know anyone who fits the bill? Don’t get me wrong... There is nothing wrong with wanting to excel professionally; it’s just that it’s not sustainable and doesn’t address the real things we hunger for as human beings, like genuine connection, belonging, and love.

My friend Susan fell into this trap. Accomplishments and recognition momentarily satiated the hunger for connection she felt inside. She found temporary relief in the praise she received for her professional achievements, but it never truly satisfied the deeper hunger for connection and love. And so the cycle continued—accomplishment after accomplishment, yet the emptiness inside remained. Because, you see, external validation can’t fill the void. It’s a quick fix, but it won’t offer the deeper sense of fulfillment that only true connection and self-acceptance can offer us.

A Better, More Intentional Way

Urgency may temporarily distract us from our unmet needs, but it’s a very temporary and mildly effective answer. It's like placing band-aids on a wound that requires deep healing. The tasks, while momentarily satisfying, don't address the root cause of your unmet needs. The void is still there.

The better way, the more sustainable way, is to slow down and meet those needs with tenderness and care. It’s about creating space to listen to what’s really going on inside. Instead of reaching for another task to numb the discomfort, we can ask ourselves, “What do I really need in this moment?” Maybe it’s rest. Maybe it’s connection. Maybe it’s simply permission to feel what we’ve been avoiding.

When we take the time to nurture those unmet needs—to honor them rather than cover them up with busyness—we begin to experience a deeper sense of calm and contentment. The frantic urgency fades, and we find ourselves living in a way that feels more aligned, more intentional.

When I hear well-meaning people say to their friends, “just stop doing so much”, “do less”, “slow down”, or some other comment meant to put their most rampant coping mechanisms to rest, I flinch. It’s because our coping mechanisms exist for a reason and though they have certain consequences for our life, they’ve also helped us avoid some things we probably haven’t been able to face inside. That’s why you can’t just “stop it”. It helps to have a knowledgeable, loving guide who can “hold space” for your thoughts, feelings, and transformation and who can help facilitate the inner work of softening your long-held coping strategies.

If you’re feeling stuck in a pattern of overdoing, if your to-do list has become more of a burden than a joy, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore what’s really driving you, and begin the process of healing the deeper needs that have been left unmet. Feel free to visit my coaching page or e-mail me at [email protected] with any questions or to learn more. I’m here when you’re ready to start the journey.

Thankfully (and I can attest to this), on the other side of all this doing is a life of more presence, more joy, more genuine connection, and mindful living. Coincidentally, it offers exactly the genuine happiness and relief that you once hoped constant doing would :)