Stop Apologizing, Especially For These 7 Things
This post was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated over time to reflect my current voice, links, and evolving understanding while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.
If I could replace one phrase I hear from friends, colleagues, and strangers alike, it would be this:
"I'm sorry."
Not because people are constantly doing something wrong, but because so many of us have learned — directly or indirectly — to apologize for being human.
So I say it's time we pay closer attention to those two words, explore the beliefs that both lead to and result from them, and begin feeling a little less sorry for — and a little more certain in—our needs, desires, and choices. Here are seven things you need to stop apologizing for and start embracing and celebrating instead.
1. Being imperfect.
Perfectionism has been linked to increased stress, anxiety, burnout, and a range of mental and physical health challenges. It’s an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for decades, and because it knows no gender, age, or race barriers, it’s likely not a concept that’s foreign to you. Did you also know that perfection is a myth? The woman dressed perfectly on television, the man articulately discussing his entrepreneurial success, the pastor delivering a carefully prepared message that helps you understand your life better… are all imperfect. And so am I. And so are you. The important thing to remember is that you are allowed to not have it “all together”. You are allowed to not be perfect. Being imperfect isn't a personal failing — it's just part of being human.
Being imperfect isn't a personal failing — it's part of being human.
2. Not knowing what you want.
Whether it’s your next partner, your next professional move, or the decision to start a family, it’s okay not to know exactly what you want. There are times in life when we can pinpoint exactly what we want, and there are times (all the times in between, actually) that we are figuring it out. In fact, we spend 99% of the time figuring it out by questioning, playing, exploring, and trying on various ways of being. Much of life is an ongoing process of figuring things out. After all, life is a journey of ever-evolving desires and just when you thought you knew it all, life awakens you with an unexpected realization, person, or opportunity… just to spice things up a little and encourage you to grow. Not knowing what you want — and staying curious in the exploration — is just as courageous of a move as knowing what you want and going after it.
3. Feeling sad.
Feeling anything less than cheerful, vibrant, and positive does not make you an inconvenience to the rest of the world. It does, however, make you human. Know that you are allowed to feel sad about the state of things in your life, or about the state of the world. Some events, after all, are just cause for sadness. Trying to cover it up neither looks, nor feels good (to you or anyone else around you). I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be around a person who is genuinely angry or sad than one who is inauthentically happy. In a world that often rewards curated versions of ourselves, there can be so much pressure to appear okay even when we're struggling, so see if you can show up just a bit more authentic to how you’re feeling throughout your day. Whether that means that the corners of your mouth point up or down, it’s all good. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time and feigning constant happiness or even “okayness” tends to be just another way that we succumb to the perfectionism mentioned in #1. And if sadness feels difficult to make space for, remember that Sad Isn't Bad.
4. Putting yourself first.
It’s nice when the people around us feel good and are supported in some way by our presence. It’s not so nice, however, when this happens at the expense of our own well-being. Putting yourself first is not a crime. It isn’t a sign of selfish behavior. It also doesn’t indicate a lack of care or compassion for others. It does, however, honor you and your own desires and needs. It is perfectly okay to say “I would love to help you out, but my schedule just doesn’t allow for it today” when you have an evening workout and relaxation routine planned. It is also perfectly okay to say “I really love and care for you, my friend, but I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to listen and give you advice on your problem right now” when you, yourself, are feeling a bit emotionally taxed from the day or if you simply don’t want to devote your time to it at that moment. No, needing time for yourself doesn’t mean you’re egocentric, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend, partner, colleague, or family member. It means that you understand that caring for yourself and honoring your own needs creates the foundation for healthier, more sustainable relationships.
5. Walking away from a relationship.
Whether platonic or romantic, you can walk away from a relationship that you no longer feel supports who you are and who you are becoming. It baffles me how society leads us to this ingrained notion that a breakup or divorce denotes failure. Just take the statement “My marriage failed”, for example. Did your marriage fail or were you actually successful in noticing that something that once worked well wasn’t working so well anymore? Are you a failure or are you actually a winner for recognizing an opportunity to walk away from something unfulfilling, knowing that you may be making room for relationships that feel healthier, more reciprocal, or more aligned with who you're becoming? Did you fail, or are you honoring your own growth by no longer staying in situations that no longer fit who you're becoming? Walking away from a relationship that no longer aligns with your values or well-being can create space for something different — even if that next chapter isn't immediately clear. If that’s not an empowered, brave move, I don’t know what is.
6. Making decisions from your heart.
We are all wired a little differently; some of us rely heavily on our logical brain when making decisions, and others of us rely more heavily on our emotional guidance system. All of us utilize both to some degree but if you know you’re someone who needs to take the time to tune in to your heart when making a decision, own it. Make your decisions from your heart. You don’t need a logical reason behind every decision that you make. You don’t need to create a pro/con list and you certainly don’t always need to explain your decisions to everyone. If you do feel like an explanation is warranted, “I feel that this is the right decision for me” or “Because my heart says so” are perfectly valid ways to cite the reasoning for your decision. Personally, I have a very well-developed logical brain, and an innately fine-tuned emotional brain. It’s great when my logical brain reinforces what my heart already knows and wants to do, but I’ve noticed that it doesn’t quite work the other way around, i.e. my heart can’t reinforce what my logical self wants because my heart’s knowing is always there and it always precedes any form of logic. Your inner wisdom matters — listen to it and don't apologize for it.
7. Existing.
If you pay close attention to your words and actions, you may notice that, consciously or unconsciously, you tend to apologize for taking up space in the world. Something I commonly hear– and have been “guilty of” uttering myself– is “Oh, I’m sorry, am I in your way?” Whenever I hear this sentiment, I get an almost irresistible urge to take the person softly by the hand and tell them all the reasons why they are allowed to exist, all the reasons why their existence is no less important than my own, and all the reasons why there is nothing inherently wrong with taking up space. You are allowed to take up space as you are. Period. And, your worth isn't determined by your gender, social class, educational level, appearance, financial status, or race. So please, take up space, bump into people, let them know you’re here, and try not to apologize for it. Don’t ever forget that you are a significant and irreplaceable part of this world, and that you deserve to show up fully as yourself. And if feeling like you need to earn your worth sounds familiar, you may also enjoy my article How to Stop Feeling and Believing That You're Not Good Enough.
You are allowed to take up space as you are.
So many of the things we apologize for — our needs, our emotions, our uncertainty, our boundaries, and even our existence — are deeply connected to the stories we've learned about who we're allowed to be. Learning to understand those patterns, relate to ourselves with greater compassion, and show up more fully as ourselves is something I explore more deeply inside my course Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to say "I'm sorry" a little less often and say things like "This is how I'm feeling," "This is what I need," "This is who I am," and "This matters to me" a little more, I'd love to see you there.
