One of the most common predicaments I hear from people navigating relationships—at work, at home, and in daily life—is this:

“I want to say something… but I don’t know if I should.”

Maybe they’re worried about a friend’s choices, or noticing a pattern in someone they love, or feeling a quiet resentment building in a relationship that they haven’t named out loud.

They don’t want to stay silent—but they also don’t want to come off as judgmental or unkind. And, they worry that saying something can cause more harm than good. So they hold it in. They don’t say a thing. They say “yes” when they mean “no”. They overthink it. Or, they say it but not really truthfully because they’re sugarcoating it, worried about what will happen if they just say what they really want to say.

I’ve definitely been there, wondering if I should tell my dear friend that I was hurt by her actions, or hesitating about whether and how I should tell a colleague that there was a mistake in something he was about to publish. (You’ve probably had your own version of this, too—maybe about speaking up when something didn’t sit right inside, or wanting to disagree but not knowing how.)

It’s like we’re standing at a fork in the road, with just two choices:

• Be honest and risk upsetting the other person, or
• Stay quiet and feel inauthentic

Something I’ve learned over time is that yes, there are two main choices, but they’re not quite as black and white as they seem. There’s actually so much space in between. And that space is where honesty and kindness can actually co-exist.

So I want to propose this:

What if the question isn’t “Should I say this?” What if the real question is: “Which part of me wants to say it?” or “What is my real intention in wanting to bring this up?”

There’s What You Say… and Then There’s Where You Say It From

Over the last few decades of living, learning, and making mistakes, I’ve learned that it’s not just what we say that matters… It’s the energy underneath it… The place in us that we’re speaking from.

Sometimes, the part of us that wants to speak is coming from genuine care. Like when a client tells me they’re worried about a friend’s relationship, or a sibling’s coping mechanisms, or how someone they love keeps putting themselves in painful situations. They don’t want to be silent—but they also don’t want to come across as controlling, critical, or harsh. And so they say nothing. Or they say it in a roundabout way. Or they say it and immediately regret how it came off. It still lands wrong—because even though their intentions were good, some subtle fear or urgency was woven into their words. In other words, even when the surface intention is care, underneath there might also be urgency, fear, or a deep need to fix things.

And that’s why how we hold it inside ourselves matters just as much as what we say out loud. If we’re holding it with judgment, panic, or a need to control, that energy leaks into our words—no matter how carefully we phrase them. If we can slow down, breathe, and hold it with compassion and clarity inside first… then when we speak, it feels different. It sounds different. It lands differently.

How we hold [the message] inside ourselves matters just as much as what we say out loud.

When we’re speaking from a part of us that feels defensive, overwhelmed, or desperate to be understood… that urgency comes through—even if the words themselves sound “nice”. And when we speak from a calm, grounded place within us—what Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy calls our true Self or Self-energy—people feel that, too. It’s not just the words we use, but the emotional energy beneath them that shapes how our messages are received. 

Sometimes the exact same sentence can land very differently, depending on who’s driving the car or who’s calling the shots inside, urging us to speak. Take this statement for example: “I need more space.” When said from a part of you that feels cornered or resentful, it might sound cold or sharp. When said from a Self-led place—one that values both connection and your own personal boundaries—it can sound clear, caring, and even warm.

It’s Okay to Name What’s True—with Care

Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do is to name what’s true, with care.

I don’t mean rehearsing a script or trying to say things “perfectly”. I mean speaking from a place inside that’s connected to your heart and rooted in your values, compassion, and curiosity. Research in interpersonal neurobiology suggests that when we speak from a regulated, connected internal state, others are more likely to feel safe, open, and receptive. I’ve seen this again and again in my own life (and maybe you’ve seen it in yours, too).

A while back, a friend of mine was complaining and venting about something that, honestly, I couldn’t personally connect with. A part of me wanted to tune out—or downplay it and tell her it wasn’t a big deal. But I know what happens when we do that: We break connection. So instead, I stayed with her and said, “You know, I can hear that this feels really heavy and challenging for you. I want to be here with you, even if a part of me doesn’t fully understand it.” That small, simple honesty honored both her reality and my own. I showed that I see and hear her, and equally, I see and hear myself.

Naming our truth, gently, shifts everything. Because it’s not an attack or even a correction. It’s a reflection that honors what’s real for each of us, while staying connected to care.

You’re Allowed to Be Honest. You’re Allowed to Be Kind. You Don’t Have to Choose.

So many of us think we have just two options:

1. Be kind and quiet, or
   
2. Be honest and harsh
   
   

But those aren’t the only two choices. There’s a third way: Be honest and kind. Be clear and connected. Honor them, and honor you.

And yes, it might take a little slowing down… A little inner checking-in… Asking, “Which part of me wants to say this? What’s my real intention? Can I first tend to the urgency or fear inside me, and then speak from a more centered and connected place?”

A Few Questions to Try On

If you’ve recently thought “I want to say something… but I don’t know if I should”, here are a few gentle prompts you can sit with as you journal or reflect in whatever way works best for you:

• What’s something I’ve been holding back from saying lately?
  
• Can I sense which part of me wants to say it? (e.g., a frustrated part of me? a part of who genuinely cares, etc.) What’s this part of me afraid will happen if I stay silent?
  
• What might that same truth sound like if I were to speak it from a calm, grounded, compassionate place instead?
  
• Is there a way I could name the energy I’m noticing—either in myself or someone else—without judgment, just with care?
  
   

When You’re Not Sure What to Say… Remember This

Saying something hard doesn’t make you unkind, and saying something true doesn’t make you harsh. It’s all about why and how you do it. It’s not about perfection—it’s about intention.

You can speak from your heart. You can slow down and listen inside first. And, in so doing, you can honor the connection between you and the people you’re interacting with, without losing yourself and without needing to make them wrong to do it.

I’d love to hear what this brings up for you… what thoughts, reflections, and questions come up. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or just hold them quietly inside your own heart.