Self-Compassion: Why It Works and How to Cultivate More of It
If you're anything like many of the people I work with — and if I'm honest, like me too — you probably have an inner voice that's much harsher than you'd ever be with someone you love.
One mistake. One awkward conversation. One thing left undone… And suddenly you're speaking to yourself in ways you'd never dream of speaking to another human being.
The surprising thing is that many of us believe this inner criticism is helping. We assume it keeps us motivated, accountable, or from becoming complacent. Research suggests the opposite.
So let me suggest another approach.
Self-compassion.
Self-compassion — the ability to be with our own emotional experience with kindness, understanding, and without unnecessary judgment — is one of the strongest predictors of psychological well-being. Research over the past two decades has consistently linked it with a wide range of benefits. Here are just a few.
1 - Self-compassion supports motivation.
The common belief that self-compassion leads to self-indulgence, laziness, and lack of motivation is a myth. In actuality, being self-compassionate strengthens motivation and helps you to see yourself as more competent 1,2.
2 - Self-compassion helps us become more emotionally resilient.
Self-compassionate people, the scientific literature reveals, have an overall greater sense of well-being 3. Compared to those who lack self-compassion, self-compassionate people have greater emotional resilience and stability 4 and less perceived stress and negative emotion 5. Being self-compassionate also helps you to have a healthy, adaptive response to life’s challenges. As you become more self-compassionate, you are more likely to use emotion- than avoidance- focused coping 1, tending to (rather than denying) your emotional experience. And when it comes to mental health, the more self-compassionate you are, the less likely you are to experience depressive symptoms, anxiety and stress 6.
3 - Self-compassion changes the way we relate to others.
According to science, if you want to enhance your relationships, practice self-compassion. Those ‘positive relationship behaviors’ (like being authentic, caring, supportive, and willing to compromise) that scientists say lead to healthy conflict resolution – you’re far more likely to have them if you are self-compassionate 7,8. It turns out that learning to “swipe right” on yourself before you swipe right on others immensely benefits your relationships. And it could very well be the practice that keeps you happily married rather than divorced 9.
Self-compassion strengthens motivation, builds emotional well-being, and helps relationships. And, the good news is that self-compassion isn't something we're born either having or not having. It's a skill. And like any skill, it becomes easier with practice. Here are five steps that can help you practice it.
1 - Tend to the way you are feeling.
Stop everything you are doing, prioritize yourself, and let yourself feel. Oftentimes we experience events and associated feelings that invite self-compassion, yet we gloss over them and continue on with life just as is. Our emotions usually have something important they're trying to tell us. They're signals that something inside us needs care, attention, or understanding.
Just like the mail that appears on your doorstep or the text message that pops up on your phone, those messages are meant to be opened rather than ignored. Self-compassion begins by slowing down long enough to listen.
Let yourself know that it is okay to feel, that feelings need not be suppressed, and ask yourself ‘How am I really feeling right now?’ As you do, let the answer arise in whatever way it does, whether a verbal expression (eg a grunt or vocalization of “I’m sad”), a physical action (eg stomping your feet on the ground in frustration), a physical sensation (eg a tear dripping down your cheek), or simply a knowing.
2 - Separate yourself from the critical voice in your head.
Notice the unkind words that you automatically and unconsciously use to refer to yourself and acknowledge that this habit was formed through your interactions with other people through childhood and adolescence.
Many of the critical things we automatically say to ourselves weren't originally ours. Over time, we internalize messages from parents, teachers, peers, and the culture around us until they begin to sound like our own voice. One of the first steps toward self-compassion is recognizing that the critical voice in your mind isn't necessarily telling you the truth. It's often repeating something you've learned.
Scientific studies suggest that it may help even to refer to yourself using third (“you”, “she”, “he”, or your first name) rather than first (“I”, “me”, or “my”) person pronouns 10,11. Recognize that the unkind words you silently or quietly speak to yourself are a function of what you learned while growing up; they are not you. You deserve to be spoken to with care, kindness, and support.
3 - Tune into your heart.
As long as we're caught up in constant thinking, it's easy to lose touch with the quieter wisdom that also lives within us. Notice your natural tendency to analyze, problem-solve, and reason — and then, just for a moment, let yourself set all of that aside.
Place a hand on your heart. Take a slow breath. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" or "What would be the kindest thing I could do for myself in this moment?"
Sometimes the answers we're looking for don't come from thinking harder. They come from slowing down long enough to listen.
4- Question the stories your mind tells you.
Do you have imperfections? Sure. Do we all have imperfections? Sure. Are you and everyone else on the planet all nevertheless worthy, wonderful, and deserving of love? Absolutely. The next time you catch your mind saying “i’m not good enough”, “i’m not important”, “i’m a failure”, ‘i’m unlovable” or whatever the equivalent happens to be for you in that moment, question it, challenge it, and change it. Ask yourself “Is this really true?” and “Is there evidence in my life that contradicts this?” to get your mind out of the habit of accepting each thought as absolute truth. It is in recognizing your imperfection as perfection that self-compassion arises.
5 - Befriend yourself.
Be your own friend. When your friend is hurting and something in life leads them to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, what do you do? What do you say? What do you make sure not to do or not to say? Now imagine offering yourself that same kindness.
Learn to treat yourself as you would someone you deeply love and care about. It might feel silly, but thinking and relating to yourself as your own good friend reliably builds self-compassion. If this feels difficult at first or you just don’t know where to begin, ask yourself this: ‘If I really loved myself, what would I do for myself in this very moment?’ Then, and most importantly, give yourself what you need. Call a friend and talk for hours, take a walk in the park, lay your head on the pillow and cry, eat your favorite sweet treat. Whatever it is, do it knowing that it isn’t selfish and it isn’t self-indulgent. It is, however, extremely beneficial and even necessary if you are to live a life of joy.
Here's what I hope you remember: you can never be too good to yourself.
The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself. The more kindness, understanding, and compassion you bring to that relationship, the more those same qualities naturally begin to flow into every other part of your life.
Learning to relate to ourselves with greater compassion changes far more than how we feel about ourselves. It changes how we navigate mistakes, relationships, emotions, and everyday life. Those are skills we practice throughout my self-paced course, Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to build a kinder relationship with yourself, I'd love to have you join us.
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