If You Want Real Change This Year, Start Here

As we head into 2026, I’m hearing a familiar refrain from many people I work with… and feeling echoes of it in myself too:

Something needs to change.

That feeling can be subtle or loud. And, it might show up as restlessness, fatigue, or a quiet sense that the way you’ve been living isn’t quite sustainable anymore. 

And when that feeling appears, it often comes with urgency. Something needs to change… you need to change… habits need to die away… others need to be solidified. And it’s so easy and almost automatic to assume the answer is to do more or do better. A stricter routine. A more disciplined plan. A renewed commitment to finally “fix” yourself.

But if I’m honest (and this took me many years to learn), that’s rarely where real change actually begins.

Why Self-Improvement So Often Misses the Mark

Real change doesn’t begin with a perfect morning ritual. It doesn’t begin with more pressure. And it doesn’t begin with forcing yourself into a different version of you (that’s why new year’s resolutions so often fail).

What actually changes things is much quieter than that. Real change, in fact, begins with how you relate to yourself. Because most of the time, it’s not our life that needs to be different… it’s the way we live inside our life that could use a bit of a glow-up.

I used to believe I needed a better life: more clarity, more energy, more certainty, fewer messy feelings. But what I eventually learned is that I didn’t need a better life at all. I needed a better relationship with myself inside the life I already had.

I didn’t need a better life. What I needed was a better relationship with myself inside the life I already had.

From Fixing Yourself to Being With Yourself

This builds on something I wrote about at this time last year — the idea that real change doesn’t come from fixing ourselves, but from choosing ourselves instead. If that reflection resonated with you, this piece is its natural next step.

Because here’s what I didn’t realize for a long time: I wasn’t failing at self-improvement. Self-improvement was failing me.

What I actually needed wasn’t more effort… it was self-connection, i.e., a relationship with myself where I wasn’t constantly pushing, judging, or correcting myself.

One where:

• I could rest without guilt
• I could meet my feelings with curiosity instead of criticism
• I could stop tying my worth to productivity or achievement
• I could be human without turning that into a problem to solve
  
  

This is the foundation of sustainable happiness… not discipline or self-criticism, but self-connection. Because real change isn’t built through self-improvement; it’s built through self-connection.

What Changes When You Change How You Treat Yourself

When you change how you treat yourself:

• change stops feeling like punishment
• growth stops feeling like pressure
• and life stops feeling like something you’re always failing at
  

You don’t become passive or complacent. But you do become more resourced. You have more internal room to pause for a second before reacting, more capacity to feel what’s actually happening inside you without rushing to fix or override it, and more ability to feel disappointed, tired, or unsure without turning against yourself. And, decisions start to come from a place of clarity… not because you’re harder on yourself, but because you’re actually listening to what your feelings are asking for instead of fighting them.

For me, that’s looked like pausing before making a decision… not to overthink, but to check in… and noticing what feels like a steady choice vs. what feels urgent or driven by fear or mere logic before moving forward. If this is you too and you’re someone who wants to make better decisions in the new year, it might look like realizing that the push to decide right now isn’t clarity… it’s actually pressure. Or, it might mean noticing that the urge to commit harder, fix faster, or try again with more effort is coming from fear, not alignment with who you really are and what you really want.

It’s also looked like noticing the urge to people-please or overextend (i.e., saying yes when I’m already depleted) and choosing to pause instead and to disappoint someone a little in the moment rather than abandon myself and resent it later. And, it’s also looked like setting goals differently… choosing smaller, steadier commitments instead of all-or-nothing plans. Not because I’m lowering my standards, but because I’m finally listening to what my energy and nervous system can actually support. Ironically, that’s when I started following through more, not less, and that’s when the New Year’s resolutions lasted well beyond February.

And, being more resourced in these ways doesn’t just feel better… it’s what actually allows change to stick! When you’re connected to yourself, you’re more consistent, not because you’re forcing discipline, but because you can feel when something is sustainable and when it isn’t. You also recover faster after setbacks. You don’t quit the first time motivation dips. And, you make decisions that support the long game instead of burning yourself out trying to overhaul everything at once. This is what self-connection does that self-improvement never could. Self-connection doesn’t move you away from your goals — it’s what makes them achievable without simultaneously costing you your happiness and well-being.

A Different Kind of Intention

So if you’re setting intentions for the new year, maybe the most important one isn’t about what you want to accomplish. Maybe it’s about how you want to be with yourself while you’re living your life.

And so, maybe the most meaningful intention this year isn’t what you’ll do. It’s how you’ll treat yourself while you do it…

• How you speak to yourself when things are hard.
• How you respond when you’re tired or overwhelmed.
• How you hold yourself when change doesn’t happen on your timeline.

Maybe the most important intention this year isn’t what you’ll do. It’s how you’ll treat yourself while you do it.

Often, for me, this shows up in much smaller moments than we expect, like the moment I choose to rest instead of criticizing myself for being tired. Or the moment I notice the urge to “fix” how I feel, and deciding to stay with it instead. Or speaking to myself with kindness on a day when nothing goes according to plan.

Those moments… quiet, ordinary, easily overlooked moments… shape our lives far more than any rigid plan ever could. Because real change doesn’t come from becoming someone new. It comes from finally learning how to be with yourself with honesty, care, and steadiness right where you currently are. And that kind of change tends to last :)

P.S. This shift to actually being with yourself is the foundation of the work I offer in my one-on-one therapeutic coaching and group spaces and also in my starter course. If you’re feeling drawn to explore this more deeply, you can learn more about working together here.