What Your Difficult, “Negative” Emotions May Be Trying to Tell You
Real Talk About Negative Emotions
In much of Western culture, we’re often taught that “negative” emotions are bad and “positive” emotions are good. But over time, I’ve come to see difficult emotions a little differently.
Rather than viewing emotions like sadness, anger, fear, grief, worry, or frustration as signs that something is wrong with us, I’ve found it more helpful to see them as experiences carrying information, needs, reactions, memories, protections, or messages worth listening to with curiosity and care.
So, if negative emotions aren’t bad in and of themselves (and I invite you to play with this idea for just a moment), then who or what makes them bad?
Drum roll please…
It’s us! We are the ones who took in this false belief that negative emotions are bad and we are the ones who keep perpetuating it, making ourselves and one another feel bad for having them!
Now, I don’t say this to blame you or to blame me. I just say this to help open up our eyes a little bit.
Feelings As Messengers That Are Often Ignored
Have you ever caught yourself saying any of these things?
“Ugh! Why am I so upset about this?” “Why can’t I just accept it as it is?”
“F@cK! This is making me anxious.” “Why can’t I just be calm like everybody else?”
“Not now… I don’t have time for this…!” [as you sense a negative emotion coming up]
If you have, you my friend, are not alone. In the United States today, it is almost unspoken law that “negative” emotions are an inconvenience, a hassle, and a burden. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned to treat difficult emotions as problems to suppress, fix, avoid, rush past, or judge rather than experiences worth listening to with curiosity and care.
And, when we constantly dismiss our emotions as inconvenient, dramatic, irrational, weak, or “too much,” it can become easy to lose touch with important information about what’s happening inside us. In fact, when we treat our emotions as nothing more than an inconvenience, it’s kind of like repeatedly ignoring the check engine light in our car and then acting shocked when smoke starts coming out of the hood later.
Let’s see what would happen if, for just a moment, you tried on the idea that your feelings are feedback and that your emotions (all of them, including and especially the negative ones) are messengers wanting to be understood, and instead asked yourself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”
Feelings As Messengers That Are Trying to Tell You Something
You may recognize that ….
Anger
Anger often shows up when some part of us feels threatened, hurt, violated, powerless, dismissed, or protective of something important. Rather than “ugh, this anger is such a hassle and I don’t know what to do about it”, see if you can ask yourself “what do I need to protect myself from or defend myself against right now?” Aha! See, anger is a messenger and it wouldn’t be there if there were nothing that you needed to know, in a very in-your-face way, about something that needs your guard to go up immediately.
Whether it’s responding to someone crossing your boundaries (that you may or may not be setting sufficiently), fighting against something that you perceive might be a potential loss (like someone calling you names and rattling your self-identity), or trying to protect you from feeling an emotion that is quite powerful (like sadness that you can feel ready to burst out of your heart), anger can be deeply clarifying. When we learn how to listen to what it’s trying to protect, it is– as Chanel Miller says– the beginning of a sign that we’ve stepped onto our own side.
And often, when anger goes unheard for a long time, it can intensify into more explosive reactions, shutdown, resentment, aggression, or overwhelm. So when you feel aggression, know that it might be alerting you to a need to survive something that your system perceived to be dangerous.
Resentment
Anger’s cousin resentment is letting you know that something feels unfair, one-sided, dismissive, unacknowledged, emotionally painful, or chronically unmet. It’s urging you to resent and devalue another person because you were treated unfairly and your needs were not met. Like anger, resentment wants you to go inside and ask yourself “What felt unfair? Why did it feel unfair? What values of mine were being challenged?” and “How can I bring value to myself?” “How can I create the kinds of conditions in my life where I am treated as worthy of attention, recognition, and fair treatment?” And, if you want to go for the goal, when resentment has had its chance to be heard and has subsided, you can even ask yourself “How can I come to terms with the ways I have been poorly treated by others and the ways that I’ve poorly or unfairly treated others in the past?” and tune in to the possible next steps.
Boredom
“Ugh, I’m bored!” “There’s nothing to do…”
Boredom tends to let us know something feels unstimulating, disconnected, repetitive, or emotionally flat… it’s signaling that we’re not okay, satisfied, or engaged enough with the present moment and is asking for change. “I don’t want to be here just thinking thoughts”... “Let’s do something else” boredom whispers, and before you know it, you’re scanning your brain for possible next activities, doodling on the piece of paper in front of you, or jumping up out of your seat to unconsciously open the refrigerator (again :)).
Worry
Worry, an often unwelcome visitor, has the best of intentions too. It’s letting you know there is a potential of loss coming up and because of that, it wants you to be cautious. It yearns for a sense of calm, safety, and a reminder that you can handle what’s coming your way. If you aren’t equipped to handle what’s happening, worry urges you to find the support you need to handle it. “Ask the questions you need to ask, get the information you need to know, and slow it down and think about it”, says worry. Albeit uncomfortable oftentimes, worry comes with a request: that you ask yourself, “What is making me feel unsafe, and how can I remind myself that I am safe or create the conditions that are necessary for me to feel that way?”
Fear
Fear, worry's not-so-distant cousin, often arrives with urgency, screaming “I don’t feel safe heeeeere!”. Something doesn’t feel right. Sometimes fear is responding to something happening in the present moment. Other times, something about the current situation is reminding you of a previous experience where you felt hurt, rejected, overwhelmed, powerless, or unsafe. A tone of voice, a facial expression, an unfamiliar situation, a big life transition, or the possibility of loss can all activate fear's protective instincts.
Fear's job is not to ruin your life or keep you from what you want. More often than not, it's trying to protect you. It wants safety, reassurance, and a chance to slow down long enough to assess what feels threatening. So, rather than asking, "How do I get rid of this fear?" try asking, "What is this fear trying to protect me from?" or "What does this fear need me to know right now?" You may discover that beneath fear's intensity lies something deeply important to you: a longing to belong, a desire to be loved, a hope you don't want to lose, or an old wound that still needs care.
Sadness
Let me start out with this: All that you’ve been taught about sadness, not unlike other “negative” emotions, is wrong. It’s incomplete. And it’s time we put it to rest. Sadness is not something we need to shame ourselves for. It is part of being human, and not proof that something is wrong with you.
Sadness enters your experience when there has been some sense of loss. It comes to let you know “[Insert your name here], honey, it feels like something is missing from our life” and/or “this hurts”. Instead of “Why am I so sad? There’s no reason for me to be this upset”, try honoring the message that sadness brings instead by telling yourself “I understand why you’re upset. There is a lot of hurt here”.
Sad is not bad. I repeat: sad is not bad.
Grief
Multiply the loss that sadness is conveying to you by 100 or 1,000 times and you’ve got grief. Grief is letting you know “Hi honey, we are experiencing a tremendous loss right now. There is so much loss in my heart, and I need comfort and support– big time– during this time”.
Tears can be the body’s way of releasing emotion, hurt, overwhelm, tenderness, grief, or loss in liquid form. One option we have when we recognize our own tears is to ask ourselves, as we’ve likely been asked by others (directly or indirectly) many times before, “Why am I so sensitive?” and tell ourselves not to cry. Another option, and one that I encourage and that becomes more intuitive when you treat your tears as a messenger, is to tell yourself “I see that this is affecting you. And I am here with you. I’m not going anywhere”.
Tears can be the body’s way of releasing emotion, hurt, overwhelm, tenderness, grief, or loss in liquid form.
Emotions Are Not the Enemy
Our emotions can sometimes point us toward important information about our needs, boundaries, fears, hurts, longings, values, stress levels, or experiences. The opportunity, then, is to treat our emotions as the messengers they are.
In experiencing emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration that may be challenging to be with, it helps to remember that this emotion is not here to overtake you; it is simply here to let you know of something that’s important to you. And if you can see your emotions not as an inconvenience, but as a bridge between today and tomorrow guiding you to the things that are important for you to know, you might begin relating to yourself and your life with more understanding, responsiveness, and care over time.
A great effect of seeing emotions in this way too is that when you do, the responses that you may have been afraid to have as a function of these emotions (e.g., yelling or cursing at someone when angry) go away. When you hear the messages that your emotions have to offer you, you don’t get swept up in the consequential behaviors that might happen when you ignore or push them away!
The idea of feelings being messengers, by the way, doesn’t just apply to “negative” emotions– “positive” emotions, in fact, are messengers too. Joy, for instance, lets you know that the experience you’re having means something to you, and very likely aligns with your values and preferences. “We like this. This feels good. Let’s do more of this in the future”, says joy.
Much of my work today focuses on helping people develop a more compassionate, curious, emotionally connected relationship with themselves — including their emotions.
Inside Happy from the Inside Out®, we explore many of these themes more deeply, including ways we can begin relating to ourselves and our emotions with more honesty, compassion, curiosity, and care over time.
And inside Heart Share Circles, we create space for thoughtful, human conversations about the emotional realities of being alive — including grief, fear, anger, overwhelm, healing, connection, vulnerability, joy, and everything in between. I’d love it if you joined us
