3 Things You Don’t Realize When You Are Busy Judging Yourself
Do you ever judge yourself? Criticize yourself? Speak harsh words to yourself?
If I rewind back 10 years, it’s not difficult for me to see that all I did was fuss, contend, and try to live with this inner voice of mine that kept telling me:
“Stop being so…”
“You should be more…”
“You are too…”
“Why can’t you be more…”
I just wanted it to stop!
“Stooooop,” I would grumble. “Pleaaase stop.”
Do any of these statements ring a bell?
I bet they do. This voice of self-judgment that I have, that you have, that we all have– some call it an inner critic, others a mind bully, and still others call it one of many other names that capture its less-than-nice essence.
Over time, though, my relationship with that inner voice has changed a lot. Not because it disappeared completely, and not because I suddenly became endlessly confident or self-loving, but because I slowly began understanding that this critical voice wasn’t actually trying to destroy me. In many ways, it was trying to protect me — even if its methods were harsh, exhausting, and often painful.
And learning to relate to that inner critic differently changed a great deal for me. And that’s exactly what I’ll be sharing with you today.
So… why does any of this even matter?
Because being constantly mean to yourself is exhausting. And over time, living with an inner voice that constantly criticizes, pressures, shames, compares, or tells you you’re somehow failing at being human can affect a lot more than we realize — including our confidence, relationships, choices, nervous systems, joy, creativity, sense of safety, and overall quality of life.
So, here are three things that many people don’t realize while they’re caught in cycles of self-judgment and self-criticism.
1. Beneath criticism is often protection.
When you’re in the midst of intense self-judgment and self-criticism, you can’t hear any other voice, right? Being judged feels horrible. It feels horrible when others do it to you… and it feels equally if not more horrible when you do it to yourself. But what if we turned our perspective on our inner critic around? What would happen then? Might we see our self-judgment in a new way?
Hear this: Your critic is not as tough as it looks like on the outside. Often, in fact, beneath harsh self-criticism is some kind of fear, protection, insecurity, pressure, or attempt to keep us safe.
Yes, this seeming bully of a voice is not actually as strong and mean as it looks. Like all bullies, on the inside, it’s really afraid.
And honestly, a lot of the time this voice isn’t trying to ruin your life. It’s trying — often desperately — to prevent pain, rejection, failure, abandonment, humiliation, loneliness, criticism, disappointment, or loss.
Its methods may be harsh. Exhausting, even. But underneath the criticism is often fear. Fear that if it doesn’t stay hypervigilant, hard on you, or constantly pushing you to improve, something painful will happen.
For many people, the inner critic develops in response to experiences, relationships, expectations, pressures, criticism, shame, or emotional environments they were exposed to earlier in life. In that way, your inner critic was once your outer critic, whether your mom, dad, school teacher, or whomever it was that got you to do things you didn’t want to do. So now, in adulthood, your inner critic similarly assumes that criticizing you is the only way to get you to do things you don’t want to do. A lot of inner critics seem to carry this exhausting belief that if they criticize us hard enough, pressure us enough, perfect us enough, improve us enough, prepare us enough, or shame us enough… then maybe we’ll finally be safe, lovable, accepted, successful, wanted, respected, or okay.
And you try to shush it, don’t you?
Of course you want it to stop. Who wouldn’t?
When a voice inside you is constantly criticizing, comparing, catastrophizing, nitpicking, pressuring, second-guessing, or telling you you’re somehow failing at being a person, it makes complete sense that another part of you would want to yell back:
“PLEASE. Be quiet for like… five minutes.”
I totally understand.
And yet, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but trying to silence and fight your inner critic does not work.
There’s no use ignoring it. It’s loud, right? There’s also no use arguing with it or telling it that its message isn’t correct. It’s pretty adamant about what it believes and it only gets louder when you try to shush it. And there’s no use in trying to replace its voice with positive self-talk because it thinks it’s doing the best job for you... that it’s helping you… and so it won’t go away in this manner.
Remember? Your inner critic is trying to keep you safe by helping you to be what you were taught you needed to be in order to be okay and in order to be loved in childhood (e.g., beautiful, successful, smart, etc). For many people, aggressively fighting, shaming, suppressing, or trying to completely eliminate the inner critic doesn’t actually create lasting change. Often, it simply creates more inner conflict.
Fighting, shaming, suppressing, or trying to completely eliminate the inner critic doesn’t actually create lasting change. Often, it simply creates more inner conflict.
2. You are bigger than the harshest voice in your head.
Who are you? What is the bigger picture of you? The full picture… the full truth of who you are? The bigger picture of who you are that you may lose sight of when you are judging yourself is that human beings are complex. We all contain different emotional states, reactions, needs, fears, protective responses, and ways of experiencing ourselves. Some parts of you may feel critical, afraid, perfectionistic, ashamed, insecure, controlling, overwhelmed, or reactive. And other parts of you may feel wise, compassionate, grounded, playful, loving, calm, honest, creative, connected, or deeply caring. Both exist.
So when you find yourself caught in self-judgment, remember: that critical voice is not the entirety of who you are. Yes, it may be loud in that moment. Yes, it may feel convincing. But it’s still only one part of your inner world — not the whole of you. There are other parts of you too. Parts that are compassionate. Wise. Grounded. Curious. Caring. Honest. Loving. Kind.
And learning to hear and believe those voices too can change a lot.
Which brings us to #3.
3. Fighting yourself isn’t the only option.
I mentioned that you don’t have to believe your inner critic. But it does help to listen to it… or it will just continue to do the thing that it knows how to do best: criticize and fight. That’s what it thinks it needs to do to help keep you moving forward in life, to help keep you safe and well, right?
Try this.
Instead of judging, observe and discern your qualities and behaviors, including the part of you that thinks it needs to fight and criticize you. Then, simply hear what your inner critic has to say. If you have weaknesses (we all do), then great! What does your inner critic have to say about them? What questions can you ask this critical part of you to get to know its stance better? What can you learn about it? What does it want you to know? What does it not want to happen? In contrast, what does it want and need? And how can you create an environment that supports its needs over time?
A powerful antidote to harsh self-judgment is curiosity. Sometimes what softens self-judgment isn’t more fighting, more fixing, or more pressure… but feeling a little more understanding toward the part of us that’s so scared we won’t be okay otherwise.
A powerful antidote to harsh self-judgment is curiosity.
“Thank you for being concerned about me. I know you’re trying to help in the only way you know how. Would it be okay if we tried finding ways to move forward that rely a little less on criticism and fear?”
This is what I say to my inner critic, day in and day out. And with time, it’s softened a bit… it’s learned to be on my side in ways other than criticism… and it’s allowed a kinder, more compassionate world to develop within.
A lot of what I teach and share — both inside my course Happy from the Inside Out® and in my writing more broadly — grew out of this exact shift: moving from fighting ourselves constantly to becoming more curious about what’s happening underneath the criticism in the first place. Because for most of us, a happier life happens through understanding, honesty, compassion, and the realization that the harshest voice inside isn’t actually the whole truth of who we are.
