3 Ways To Build a Happier Relationship This Valentine’s Day

Relationships can bring some of the deepest joy, meaning, intimacy, connection, comfort, and growth we experience as human beings.

And they can also bring up our fears, insecurities, defenses, old wounds, protective patterns, and unmet needs faster than almost anything else.

Which is probably why relationships can feel both beautiful and deeply vulnerable at the exact same time.

Relationships are complex, and while not every problem is equally created by both people, we do often have more influence over the emotional tone, honesty, communication, boundaries, vulnerability, and patterns within our relationships than we sometimes realize.

Let’s look at the 3 ways that you can build a happier relationship this Valentine’s Day and beyond.

Keep in mind, when I say “partner” below, I am referring to romantic partners, business partners, marital partners, friends, and any other partnership that you consider to be meaningful to you. Even though the lead-in and examples I use may most closely approximate romantic partnerships, where appropriate, the same principles that apply to romantic relationships apply to many other types of platonic partnerships as well.

1. Make space for vulnerability.

If you’re like most couples, your behavior had a bit of a sculpted or polished look to it when you first met. You were on your best behavior after all. You were hoping your partner would grow a liking to you so why would you do anything odd or questionable, right? It’s no wonder that you showed only 75% of who you are.

Well, it’s time to let that remaining 25% seep in. “The rest” (that we aren’t typically excited to immediately share with a partner) often includes the parts of ourselves we fear may be too messy, painful, shameful, complicated, vulnerable, awkward, hurt, emotional, or “too much” to fully share.

When I say “it’s time to let the rest seep in”, I am by no means saying that you should engage in a Dr. Phil “tell all”. What I am saying is that if you’ve built a relationship with someone that feels safe, that is based on trust and honesty, and that does its best to honor and respect rather than devalue who each of you are, then it may be time to do what scares you. It may be time to get vulnerable and share more about who you truly are. 

In the beginning of relationships, many of us are understandably careful. We don’t yet know how another person will respond to our fears, insecurities, pain, history, needs, emotions, mistakes, or more vulnerable truths. So we protect ourselves a little. Human beings do that. Vulnerability is beautiful, and also terrifying to us sometimes.

Then, the bond grows closer, you get into a rhythm of divulging your past, and maybe you share a little bit more of who you are. And over time, many relationships eventually reach a point where closeness levels off a bit. And when that happens, people often assume something is wrong.

But sometimes the invitation is actually deeper honesty.

Where are you still hiding a little? Where are you still protecting parts of yourself from being fully known? Where are you still maintaining the earlier polished version of yourself instead of allowing more of your humanity into the relationship?

Being vulnerable and making space for difficult conversations is often part of what allows deeper intimacy to develop. In fact, what we’re really protecting ourselves from when we avoid vulnerability is genuine intimacy. So, if the relationship feels like a safe container in which love can continue to grow, I encourage you to go a little deep and get a little uncomfortable. (If the relationship does not offer emotional safety, respect, care, accountability, or reciprocity, that’s a very different situation altogether — and likely not the kind of environment where increased vulnerability will feel supportive or healthy.) Explore what it would be like to make space for mutual vulnerability. Semantically, the word “intimacy” can be described as “into me (you) see”. In other words, intimacy deepens when we gradually allow ourselves to be more honestly seen and known for who we are. And, in order to be known and seen for who you are, you’ve got to risk knowing and being yourself. So, strive to understand your past and share it with your partner. Often, those moments of greater honesty and vulnerability are exactly what allow relationships to deepen into new levels of closeness, trust, and intimacy over time.

What we’re really protecting ourselves from when we avoid vulnerability is genuine intimacy.

2. Honor yourself.

Do you know why self-love is such a popular term these days? Because when you love yourself, really and truly, it means that you honor your own needs, you respect your own voice and opinions, and you lovingly create boundaries that reflect how worthy and loveable you are. When you honestly do this for yourself, it also means that you can very well do the same for your partner. And what’s better than a partner who can honor your needs, your voice, and your boundaries and reflect back to you all the ways that you love you?

Honestly? Not much.

The best way, then, to improve your relationship this Valentine’s Day, is to focus on listening to your own needs and wants. You may be used to dismissing what’s true for you… well, it’s time to pivot and to respect your feelings and wishes instead. You may be used to succumbing to other people’s needs while drowning out your own… well, it’s time to pivot, assert yourself, and speak up about your values and what’s important to you instead.

The best way to improve your relationship this Valentine’s Day is to focus on listening to your own needs and wants.

Similarly, if you’re used to expecting perfection from yourself… you guessed it. It may be time to experiment with allowing yourself to be human instead. Annoying advice sometimes, I know. But important.

What does this have to do with your relationship/s?

Coincidentally, these ways of honoring and treating yourself will also make you a partner who easily honors, respects, and is able to offer genuine love to your partner too. Respect your own boundaries and you can easily respect someone else’s. Speak up about what’s important to you and you can easily respect your partner in their assertion and proclamation of what’s true for and valuable to them. Allow yourself to be imperfect and respond to your own mistakes with light-heartedness and you will be able to do the same for them.

Have you ever noticed that your preferences for and taste in partners (whether friendly, romantic, or collegial) change as you learn to love yourself more? Well, that’s because a healthy, loving relationship with another first and foremost begins with a healthy, loving relationship with yourself.

A healthy, loving relationship with another first and foremost begins with a healthy, loving relationship with yourself.

3. Stay curious.

Oftentimes, as relationships go on, we have a harder and harder time staying present. Many of us try to convince ourselves that “the past is in the past.” But unresolved experiences, emotional wounds, fears, protective responses, and attachment patterns often continue shaping us in ways we may not fully realize.

To experience life in the present moment, we’ve got to work on integrating our past… on making our past a part of us, rather than letting it continue to be something we push away and that therefore dominates us. Part of this includes #1 (vulnerability) and part of it includes maintaining a sense of curiosity about your own past and the past of your partner.

As closeness deepens, it’s likely that you will trigger your partner in new ways, and that they will similarly trigger parts of you too. What’s the best thing to do when this happens? We may be tempted to blame, shame, revolt and/or run away, yet what it helps us to do first is to get curious. Get curious about why you responded the way you did to something your partner said or did... And get curious about why they may have said and did what they said and did in the first place…

Approaching ourselves and our partners’ words and actions with curiosity rather than immediate certainty or assumption often creates more space for understanding, accountability, repair, and connection. And, with greater space for understanding and self-responsibility, there is more room for vulnerability and intimacy.

So, stay curious. Remember that while there is so much that you know about your partner, there is still so much left to know. And while you may know a lot about you, you don’t know everything about you. You don’t know what you don’t know.

Maintaining curiosity in moments of difficulty is exactly where self-awareness expands, where mutual understanding emerges, and where intimacy grows. When things get shaky, be on your own side… be on your partner’s side… and above all, remember that you’re on the same side. Over time, those kinds of moments can create more room for understanding, closeness, trust, and love to grow.

Relationships rarely become healthier, safer, happier, or more connected through perfection. More often, they deepen through honesty, self-awareness, vulnerability, curiosity, communication, repair, boundaries, compassion, and the willingness to keep learning ourselves and each other over time.

Inside Happy from the Inside Out®, much of the exploration I guide you through centers around understanding the inner patterns, emotional wounds, protective responses, fears, and conditioning that shape how we relate to ourselves and others — especially inside relationships.

And inside my Heart Share Circles, we make space for thoughtful, honest, human conversations about love, dating, emotional intimacy, healing, boundaries, vulnerability, communication, and the beautifully complicated experience of being human in relationship with other humans.