A New Perspective on Self-Love (And How to Increase It)
This article was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated over time to reflect my current voice, links, and evolving understanding while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.
I don't know about you but self-love can feel daunting at times. Some mornings loving yourself comes naturally. Other mornings it feels almost impossible. Some days you know how to do it. Other days it’s as if you’ve never even tried. Some days begin with self-love, and by lunchtime you can't seem to find even an ounce of it.
It's often in these moments that we're most tempted to blame ourselves, inadvertently creating the very cycle that keeps self-love feeling so far away. And it’s in these moments that I urge you to refrain from the societal and cultural thinking that led you so far from self-love in the first place, and to consider this instead:
What if we've been construing self-love all wrong?
What if we’ve been going at it from a perspective that makes it nearly impossible?
And... What if there is a better way?
Let's start by redefining self-love.
To Redefine Self-Love, We Need to Redefine the Self
Who is this self that you are wanting and trying to love? When we think of self-love as loving every single part of who we are, all at once, it can feel like an enormous task. Especially when there are parts of ourselves we struggle to understand or even like. But if we remember that the self is actually a conglomerate of various parts that we've developed over the years and which show up at different times in our life and throughout our day, all of a sudden the task of self-love becomes much less discouraging. One perspective that has profoundly changed how I think about self-love comes from Internal Family Systems (IFS), which suggests that we all contain many different parts of ourselves. There may be a part of you that feels confident, another that feels insecure, one that wants connection, another that wants distance, one that strives, and one that longs to rest.
The question becomes not “Can I love myself?” but “Can I love that part of me that is being activated or that is arising in this moment?” So whether it's the part of you that feels inadequate in the face of someone with a stronger presence, the part of you that is really good at being a workaholic so as to avoid feeling the sadness that’s there, or the part of you that overeats to fill the feeling of emptiness or to numb painful emotions, the question is “Can I love that one part of me?”
The question becomes not “Can I love myself?” but “Can I love that part of me that is being activated or that is arising in this moment?”
To Redefine Self-Love, We Also Need to Redefine Love
To love, in the societal sense of the word, that one part of you that appears to be sabotaging your life goals or that you deem to be responsible for making you feel or look bad, is also a tall order. But consider this - what if love isn't some big display of affection, with no recognition of faults or mishaps, but instead a recognition that it's okay to be just as you are? What if love is the willingness to meet ourselves as we are, even before anything changes?
The truth is, all of your parts, even the ones that seem troublesome or self-defeating, are often trying to help in some way. Some are young parts that hold on to the pain, shame, fear, and/or burdens of your past because they were shown, in direct or indirect ways, that it wasn’t okay to feel or to be that way (for example, the sad part of you that felt justifiably upset that your mom or dad weren’t as physically or emotionally present as you’d wanted them to be when you were a kid), and others are parts that exist to protect you from feeling the pain and burdens of your past by preventing it from coming to the surface (for example, the part of you that says “Oh, that relationship didn’t mean anything to me” to compensate for the pain, and protect you from feeling the sadness of the breakup). All of our parts are here for us and the process of self-love is, in essence, about learning to relate to them differently.
Maybe your inner world sounds something like this: “I am made of parts. Some are kind parts. Some are angry parts. Some are loving parts. Some are justice-seeking parts. Ruthless parts. Some are parts that feel inadequate. Some are parts that need more love. Some feel unseen. Some are judgmental. Some are incredibly generous. There’s one that likes to criticize me. And one that likes to criticize others. And one that loves connection. And another that runs toward independence.” Your list will probably sound different than mine. But what all of our parts have in common is that they're trying to help us somehow, and they all long to be seen and understood for who they are.
A New Take on Self-Love
Self-love is when you can observe your parts with curiosity and compassion and actively try to understand them, see them, and hear them instead of keeping them hidden or forcing them to change. One of my favorite quotes about this comes from Wes Angelozzi. He says, "Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered."
The same is true of all your parts. If you remember that love is acknowledging that you are made of parts, taking time to notice the parts of you that exist, and bringing curiosity and compassion to them, rather than ignoring them, then self-love becomes somewhat less terrifying of an undertaking.
What I appreciate about this way of thinking is that it makes self-love feel more approachable. Rather than trying to love every part of ourselves all at once, we simply begin with the part that's here today. Like any new way of relating to ourselves, it becomes easier with practice.
So your task for today, should you choose to accept it, is to pick one part of you - just one - to practice self-love with. Not the “grandiose display of affection, geared at all of who you are” kind of self-love, but the “acknowledging, compassionate perspective, geared at a core part of you” kind of self-love. If you’re wondering, “How do I do this?” I am glad that you asked. Here are the steps to practice self-love, the S.M.A.R.T. way, with questions to ask yourself and phrases to recite to get to the core of each step and thus to the core of self-love.
Rather than trying to love every part of ourselves all at once, we simply begin with the part that's here today.
If this idea of befriending rather than battling parts of yourself resonates, you might also enjoy my article Stop Trying to Overcome Fear and Do This Instead, where I explore this same perspective through one of our most misunderstood emotions or parts.
The S.M.A.R.T. Way to Practice Self-Love
If you're wondering what this actually looks like in practice, here's a simple exercise.
GET RELATED
Check in with yourself as to how important your self-love skills are to you right now.
How is practicing self-love aligned with my goals for myself and for my life? What feelings, experiences, and desires will a deeper ability to love myself grant me?
RECOGNIZE A PART
Pick one part of you to be the focus of your self-love, or notice a part of you that is wanting your attention by observing what you are thinking or doing in response to a situation in your life.
What part of me is activated? Is it an overworking part? A demanding part? An “I need to be strong” part? A part that criticizes me all the time? A part that makes sure that I don’t get hurt?
GET CURIOUS
Acknowledge this part of you as it is right now, in this moment. No need to change it. Simply notice it with curiosity and wonderment and discover why it is there.
What might be this part’s purpose for being a part of me? Is it a part that’s been around for a while but has hidden out of my consciousness and never shown compassion or care? Is it here because it’s protecting me from something? Why might it be a part of my internal system?
SAY “THANK YOU” (AND MEAN IT)
Thank this part for existing. Not just with words, but with sincerity. Remember that every part developed for a reason and is trying to help in some way, even if its strategy is no longer serving you.
If it’s a part of you that felt ashamed or inadequate and has been hidden out of your consciousness for some time, thank this part for sticking around so that you could learn from the pain of your past. If it’s a part of you that is keeping you from feeling the pain of the past by engaging in some unhealthy or unproductive behavior, thank it for being there to protect you, and ask it what it’s afraid will happen if it’s not actively present in this situation, or in your life? Once you know its reason for being, let it know “I know why you had to be here and I am so glad that you were”.
NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE
You may notice that something begins to soften. The tug-of-war eases a little. Shame becomes quieter. You feel just a bit more settled than you did before. And maybe you feel satisfied in the moment you’re in without needing something to be different in order for you to feel better.
Do I feel satisfied in this moment? Do my parts feel seen, heard, and acknowledged? If not, what else is there to be seen, heard, felt, or acknowledged?
Self-love doesn't always begin with feeling wonderful about yourself. Sometimes it begins with simply becoming willing to stay with one part of yourself a little longer than you did yesterday. As we learn to welcome the parts we've spent years avoiding, criticizing, or trying to fix, something begins to shift. We become less divided inside ourselves and more able to meet life from a place of compassion. One part, one day, one moment at a time.
Many of us try to love ourselves by fighting with the very parts of us that need understanding the most. Over time, I've found that self-love often begins not with changing ourselves, but with getting curious about the different parts of us and learning how to meet them with compassion. Helping people understand their inner world, build relationships with their parts, and create lasting change from the inside out is exactly what I guide people through in Happy from the Inside Out®. If you'd like to go deeper into this work, I'd love to see you there.
