Self-Love Languages: What's Yours?
This article was originally published on Soulaia.com. This version has been lightly updated to reflect my current understanding, work, and offerings while preserving the heart and core message of the original article.
I bet you’re used to showing love to others. It’s a beautiful thing that you do. Keep on doing it. The world certainly needs it and so do you.
Just make sure that love doesn't only flow outward. Turn some of that care and attention back toward yourself. Make sure that in the list of people to love, you don’t forget yourself. Because showing yourself love isn't just a nice bonus — it's an important part of well-being and healthy relationships. And all the care, attention, and compassion you offer to others? You deserve to experience some of that too.
I am not of the mindset that you have to love yourself fully before you can love someone else, because we all have the capacity to love ourselves and others in many moments and stages of our lives. But learning how to care for ourselves tends to make it easier to create relationships that feel more grounded, reciprocal, and sustainable. I've written more about this idea in Do You Need to Love Yourself Before Loving Somebody Else?
What if loving yourself wasn't another thing to add to your to-do list, but instead became a way of relating to yourself? One place to begin is by getting curious about the ways your body, mind, and heart most naturally recognize and receive care. In other words: your unique love language.
Let’s begin by learning the vocabulary contained within the pages of your unique dictionary of love.
And before we do, keep in mind that love languages aren't meant to place you in a box or define you completely. Many of us resonate with more than one, and our preferences can shift over time and across different relationships.
The goal isn't to find the perfect label — it's just to become more curious about the ways you most naturally give, receive, and experience love.
First, take this LOVE LANGUAGE quiz.
Read through the five questions below, and choose the letter with the statement that applies the most to you.
1. Which of the following describes you best?
I take pride in buying groceries, filling up the gas tank, or picking up clothes from the dry cleaners for the people I love
I am a “hugger”– I really enjoy physically connecting with people
I really like surprising my loved ones with thoughtful and meaningful gifts
Whether a chat or some activity we do together, I make it a point to make time for the people I love
I’ve been known to tell the people I love that they are amazing and that my life is better with them in it
2. Which of the following statements most screams “that’s me!”?
Love is an action that requires effort and actively going out of your way to help someone
Physical connection is essential to emotional intimacy– when there isn’t physical intimacy, it isn’t long before the emotional intimacy is gone too
Some say that presents aren’t important but they are– not always because of how much they cost but because they create an opportunity to say “I understand you”, “I appreciate you”, or “I love you”
The gift of someone’s time and attention means more to me than any material thing someone can give me
Whether a simple compliment or a note left on the counter, words have meaning and I need to hear someone tell me they love me
3. If your partner did the following things, which would frustrate you the most?
Not following through on a task
Physically neglecting you
Not being excited about a gift you thoughtfully bought for them
Being distracted while you are spending time together
Not thanking you for all that you do for the relationship
4. You and your partner are going on vacation together. Which of the following would make you the happiest?
Your partner says “Hey, I planned the details of our entire vacation!”
Your partner reaches for your hand while you’re seated next to each other on the airplane and doesn’t let go until you arrive at your destination
Your partner surprised you with tickets to the vacation destination
It was your partner’s suggestion that you go on a trip and spend 5-7 uninterrupted days together
Your partner tells you “Thank you for clearing your work schedule for us. You mean the world to me”
5. If someone wanted to show you that they love you, which of the following would you prefer they do?
Help you by “lightening your load” of to-dos in some way
Hug and kiss you
Give you a thoughtful gift
Do something with you, like take a walk or go out somewhere
Encourage you with a text, note, or card
Now for your results...
If you answered mostly As, your primary love language is ACTS OF SERVICE.
If you answered mostly Bs, your primary love language is PHYSICAL TOUCH.
If you answered mostly Cs, your primary love language is GIFTS.
If you answered mostly Ds, your primary love language is QUALITY TIME.
If you answered mostly Es, your primary love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.
Can you have more than one love language? Sure, but for the purpose of our exploration today, simply keep in mind your top or primary one.
TRANSLATE YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE INTO YOUR SELF-LOVE LANGUAGE
Your love language offers clues about the ways you most naturally give, receive, and experience care. Your self-love language, then, reflects the gestures, words, and actions that help you feel supported, nurtured, and connected to yourself. Think of it as learning the ways your inner world most easily recognizes: "I'm here with you."
Your self-love language reflects the ways your inner world most easily recognizes: "I'm here with you."“
If ACTS OF SERVICE is your primary love language…
Your self-love language looks like doing things for yourself that make your life just a little bit easier… Planning your day or week, delegating responsibilities to reduce your list of “to dos”, setting boundaries, cleaning the house, buying groceries and cooking yourself a nice meal, going to therapy to work through an issue you’re having that’s making it difficult for you to get things done, meal prepping for the week, making sure you eat and hydrate regularly. It’s all the ways in which you show yourself you love yourself... Loving yourself not with words, but with actions.
If PHYSICAL TOUCH is your primary love language…
Your self-love language looks like taking a dance or yoga class, giving yourself a shoulder rub, massaging your own hands or feet, taking a long shower, taking some extra time to apply oils or lotions, and spending time getting to know what your body enjoys... It’s using touch to let yourself know that you love and appreciate yourself. A few of my favorite forms of physical self-love are placing a hand on my heart when I need some self-compassion, gently massaging my hands or shoulders, or just taking a second to notice what my body might be needing.
If GIFTS is your primary love language…
Your self-love language looks like giving yourself things– big or small– that are meaningful to you in some way. Buying yourself a small gift to serve as a token of appreciation, buying yourself clothes, flowers, a sweet treat, your favorite morning beverage, or tickets to a show or event (like a personal development workshop). It can be buying yourself an object (e.g., a candle) or an experience (e.g., tickets to a concert) to give yourself a pleasurable sensory experience. It can be getting yourself a personal trainer because staying fit makes you happy, shelling out the big bucks for a professional cooking class because food and working with seasonal high-quality ingredients is your passion, or making a playlist for yourself that you know you’ll enjoy at the gym or on the way to work the following week. Gifts don't have to be expensive. Sometimes the most meaningful gifts are the small gestures that remind you that your joy matters.
IF QUALITY TIME is your primary love language…
Your self-love language looks like setting aside all distractions to spend quality time with yourself. It’s relaxing, scheduling a date night with yourself, taking a long drive, running yourself a bath and dropping in your favorite lavender bath bomb, listening to music that speaks to your soul, taking yourself on a local adventure, taking an evening to “Netflix and Chill” by yourself, watching a sunset, gazing up at the stars, waking up early to watch the sun rise, or doing anything else that you love to do and that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. It's taking time to ask yourself how your day was, to reflect, stay curious, and create space to be honest with yourself. It's noticing your needs and wants — and taking a moment to listen when they arise. It’s an opportunity to spend present, uninterrupted moments with yourself.
IF WORDS OF AFFIRMATION is your primary love language…
Your self-love language looks like encouragement, appreciation, and building yourself up. It’s acknowledging your efforts, appreciating your strengths, and offering yourself kindness on the days when things feel hard. It's learning to speak to yourself with encouragement, honesty, and compassion, especially during difficult moments. It's telling yourself things like: "I'm proud of you," "I believe in you," "I hear you," "I'm here with you," and "I love you." It's learning to notice your strengths without ignoring your struggles and offering yourself kindness rather than criticism when you're hurting. It’s posting sticky notes around the house with reminders of how truly capable and worthy you are. It’s writing yourself a love letter and reading it aloud. It's practicing seeing yourself with warmth and humanity rather than through the lens of criticism, comparison, or perfection.
LET THE LOVE YOU SHOW YOURSELF RIPPLE OUTWARD
When we learn how to care for ourselves in ways that genuinely resonate, we often find we have more energy, presence, and capacity to show up for the people we care about. Not because we need to perfect self-love before loving others, but because the relationship we have with ourselves influences every other relationship in our lives.
As you learn more about the ways you naturally experience love, you may find it becomes easier to offer that same care to the people around you. And perhaps, just as importantly, you'll become more comfortable receiving it, too. So in whatever way you choose to, keep finding small, consistent ways to show yourself love and care. The relationship you have with yourself matters — and it has a way of influencing every other relationship in your life.
Learning to recognize your needs, respond to yourself with care, and create a more supportive relationship with yourself is something I explore more deeply inside my course, Happy from the Inside Out®. If you're ready to better understand yourself, relate to yourself with more compassion, and create sustainable practices that genuinely support your well-being, you can learn more about the course here.
